Smartass

So… Where Was I?

My last post was April of 2015.

However, after a number* of emails asking why I was not posting, how I was and other friendly reaching-out’s, I decided to return and try to engage what is undoubtedly a dedicated readership waiting with bated breath for me to speak directly to their souls via the written word.

After six days of observation, doctors at St. Agnes of Moorehead chalked up Doris as having an acute case of “stummy ache”. What doctors didn’t realize was that Doris was having withdrawal symptoms resulting from not having a B.L.O.G fix in what felt like years. Also, she was addicted to morphine.

I am aware that much has changed with many of my readers, some good and some bad.
Continue reading

Categories: Smartass | Tags: , , | 25 Comments

Come, Meet The Family

As with every holiday, there are some events that have themselves gone on to become traditions. Things that, if they ceased to exist, would devastate the hearts of families around the globe. These traditions include:

* The lighting of the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center

* The Nutcracker being performed to the delight of children of all ages

* Taking pictures with Santa

* Staring patiently at a motionless Nativity scene

Of course, no holiday would be complete without the elaborate Christmas party here at Calahan Manor. Millions of people wishing they were invited, scrambling for Paparazzi pics or insightful Tweets from staff, anything to feel that much closer to all of the glamor and sophistication that is a Calahan Family Christmas.

ba85bb72e35c91a9_landing

The closest most of you will ever get to my front door.

Perhaps it is the season and the spirit of giving. Perhaps it is the eight seasoned spirits I consumed moments ago. Either way, I am feeling generous. How generous, you ask? Generous enough to allow you, a lowly reader, into the Calahan Family Christmas extravaganza.

You’re welcome.  Continue reading

Categories: Smartass | Tags: , , , , | 11 Comments

Summertime Captions For Awful People

Today is the first day of Autumn.

This means it is time to say goodbye to Summer. It is time to realize that we can do better than Summer. For some of us, perhaps it’s time to pretend we never even met Summer. That’s right, Summer. We’ve moved on.

Need more proof, Summer? Look at my new relationship status on Facebook:

post share empty facebook status vector clipart icon ztuts

Now, some folks (mostly friends and co-workers of Summer’s) might say that I Continue reading

Categories: Smartass | Tags: , , , , | 50 Comments

Holiday Captions For Awful People 2013

befunky_xmas017

As with last year, I have decided that the best way to celebrate the holidays is by putting together a sort of thank you to all my new readers,  including the following folks who are, like, completely not spambots and are instead, like, super legit readers:

      elitesecuritycameras (a really big supporter of mine for years)

      freepsychologyreading (get a few drinks in this guy and you will hear some amazing stories!)

      bookcheaphotelsonline (Kind, soft-spoken and knows all there is to know about cheap hotels, so hit him up)

      ใส้หมูสับนี่อยู่ข้างในนั้นเป็นการ (what can I say? I love you, squiggly! I don’t care who knows it)

So, for new readers and old ones alike, please feel free to download these images that I “borrowed” and share them in celebration of the true meaning of Christmas: Maxing Out Your Credit Cards! Continue reading

Categories: Smartass | Tags: , , , , , , , | 32 Comments

Twinkie, Twinkie, Little Star

I was asked to contribute to a new site. I said yes only because I thought there would be prizes and snacks.

That’s right, America. The Twinkie is back! (for some reason)

twinkies_AP1306231992_900x675

Assumed by many to be the unholy result of a secret Nazi project codenamed either Twinkilnauss or Angelfoodensch, the Twinkie has been a staple of American households for decades.

Created in 1930, Twinkies were a way to utilize the angel food baking machines made seasonally dormant when strawberries weren’t in season. Instead of filling them with fruit, the cakes were filled with banana-flavored cream, put onto shelves and became an instant success. Due to the WWII rationing of bananas  (which, apparently, was a thing), the cream filling inside Twinkies was given the vanilla-flavor that we know today.

So, there you go, a brief history of Twinkies. But nowhere in that Cliff Notes version do we get an answer to the question: Why are Twinkies so popular?

Today, they are deep fried, baked into casserole dishes for elaborate desserts and

View original post 676 more words

Categories: Shameless Plug, Smartass | 11 Comments

New Social Pariah Schedule From AMC Theatres

As a way to reach out to an untapped market, movie theatres nationwide have implemented Mommy Matinees, times specifically geared toward socially isolated mothers with newborns. No longer the target of angry shushing, hurled Whoppers and complaints to theatre managers, new mothers can attend movies without being singled out. Mommy Matinees are incredibly lucrative as they allow exhausted women the freedom to escape with the latest Hollywood blockbuster, while enjoying the meditative calm that comes with a theatre full of colicky infants and the inescapable smell of talcum. Said Marcia L. of Bakersfield, CA, “I love it. I get to get my Channing Tatum on, eat a tub of popcorn and let the triplets scream their lungs out. I mean, they usually end up losing breath and passing out, so I just let ’em do what they’re gonna do.”

With that in mind, the pioneers at AMC Theatres have begun designing matinees centered specifically around those customers that most other patrons simply despise.

Rev. Thomas Portney (shown here) of Minnesota’s St. Victoria’s Secret Hope Church hides his face from reporters during AMC’s Glen Or Glenda Mondays.

“Everyone loves going to the movies,” says Andrew Patton, Customer Relations Manager for AMC, “but everyone is different. 90% of our customers prefer a quiet theatre. So, that leaves 10% whose needs aren’t being met. AMC’s new schedules will reflect Continue reading

Categories: Fiction Fiasco, Smartass | Tags: , , , , | 65 Comments

Blog at WordPress.com.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,794 other followers