Holiday Captions For Awful People 2013


As with last year, I have decided that the best way to celebrate the holidays is by putting together a sort of thank you to all my new readers,  including the following folks who are, like, completely not spambots and are instead, like, super legit readers:

      elitesecuritycameras (a really big supporter of mine for years)

      freepsychologyreading (get a few drinks in this guy and you will hear some amazing stories!)

      bookcheaphotelsonline (Kind, soft-spoken and knows all there is to know about cheap hotels, so hit him up)

      ใส้หมูสับนี่อยู่ข้างในนั้นเป็นการ (what can I say? I love you, squiggly! I don’t care who knows it)

So, for new readers and old ones alike, please feel free to download these images that I “borrowed” and share them in celebration of the true meaning of Christmas: Maxing Out Your Credit Cards!


The Excitement Of Christmas



Kevin Had Even Added Brandy



Why Glen Spent The Next Holiday Alone



No, Don’t Bother With The Copyright



It’s The Thought That Counts

Lucky Strike


More Green Than A White Christmas

Oh Karen


Oh, Grow Up Already!



Holidays With The Homeschooled Harrisons



They Do Say The Darndest Things



And For Just Pennies A Day



I probably spent more time working on these silly pictures than I put into buying thoughtful gifts. No one appreciates the gifts I buy because I don’t appreciate myself to buy decent gifts. I know! Thanks for reminding me every year!

Speaking of every year, why don’t you mention how amazing Trudy’s son is? Oh right, because you spoke about him in the family newsletter, instead of me! If you love Trudy’s perfect son so much, why don’t you just go ahead and spend the holidays with him?!

You are? Well, have a wonderful Christmas celebrating Trudy’s perfect, thoughtful, immaculately conceived son!

You don’t support anything I do! I hate you, I hate you!

Happy Holidays, everybody!



Categories: Smartass | Tags: , , , , , , , | 32 Comments

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32 thoughts on “Holiday Captions For Awful People 2013

  1. That Squiggly really gets around, huh.

    I hope this was all a build up to a photo that you’ll be posting later of you comfortably lounging on a log with a pipe *crosses fingers.*

  2. Happy holidays, and a great new year to you and yours, Mike.

    And in my defense, all the 7-11 had left xmas morn were lucky strikes and pall mall filterless, so…

    • Lucky Strikes are obviously the best choice for all your holiday smoking needs. Nicotine Santa agrees!

      Have a good holiday, Guap.🙂

  3. I love holiday hummus. (The last card is my favorite.)

  4. Because there is no light without darkness. These are outstandingly funny. Thanks for the laugh. Happy Christmas Year!

  5. Wow. Love the “gay fellas” with the female reindeer centaurs floating on the cloud. Cheers, Mike!

  6. These are great. My favorite is the Homeschooled one. I know people like this and they live close by. Congrats on getting the Editors’ Pick of the Year! That’s awesome!

    • You know folks like the Harrisons? Whoa, that is both amazing and frightening.

      Also, thanks for the congrats.🙂

  7. Squiggly is just a lie? Merry Damned Christmas.

    • If you believe in Squiggly, if you truly feel him in your heart, then Squiggly is as true as anything else. Don’t give up on Squiggly because he’s not given up on you.

  8. Calahan – you are fucking fabulous!!!

  9. What’s up with those spambots and how do I get rid of them? I love new followers but fake followers. Meh. Happy Holidays Calahan!

  10. These are so great! I really laughed (really!) at the boozey bike boy card! Arsenic one is my 2nd favorite.

  11. Oh I can’t stop laughing at the gay confirmed bachelors and Hush – perfect! Thank you and Happy Holidays!

  12. Haha– wow. I think phallic Santa was my favorite.

  13. These are wonderful. I particularly liked “Gift of the Phalii,” as I thought Santa’s ride looked a little suspicious.

    • How did no one see that when they were drawing that ad? “Why are you guys giggling at my drawing? What’s wrong with it? Oh grow up!”

  14. as usual, very late to the party. dammit.

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