“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
“Leaving a little to the imagination is sexy”
These are just a few of the pieces of advice handed down from first-time life coaches and stale fortune cookies. These words of wisdom continue to be handed out like prostitution leaflets on a Vegas street because they are tried and true, for the ages, informative instructions that continue to inspire and reward.
As someone who has been certified in EUTS (Everything Under The Sun) from the Professional Institute of Placeimadeup, I feel compelled to bestow some of my (not yet) patented words of higher knowledge to my readers, especially the intellectually inferior among you (no Le Names, but you know who you are.)
Knowing how to carry oneself is important because it can mean the difference between getting the job or getting a friendly email that says ‘You were one of the worst applicants we’ve ever had. Ever’ but disguised in a thinly veiled ‘Did not meet the requirements’. I know what you meant, Janice Beekman of Mansonite Bros. Corp. LLC.
Dressing appropriately and stylishly can also mean the difference between a flirtatious look of interest from that attractive person across the room and that attractive group pointing at you and laughing from across the room.
To alleviate any gender confusion, I have separated the tips into two categories: Men and Women. For those of you who fit into neither or both categories, take away whatever resonates with you. Also, which bathroom do you use? I mean, like, in public. Whoa, whoa, I’m not judging! I’m just curious.
STYLE TIPS FOR WOMEN
1. If you wear a padded bra and the right guy comes along, the jig is up.
2. Your glasses probably don’t make you look as much like Tina Fey as you think they do.
3. You will reach an age when the schoolgirl-look receives less ‘Oooh’s and more ‘Ewww’s.
4. If you rely solely on your hipbones to keep your pants up, you are too skinny.
5. A pair of Converse will always look cute.
6. A short, denim skirt always has a trailer park connotation.
7. No one should admire your sideburns.
BONUS TIP: Your cat, Miss Mary J. Prancy Paws, should not have better clothes than you.
STYLE TIPS FOR MEN
1. The ‘Zack Galifianakis look’ is not a good look even on Zack Galifianakis.
2. Wearing sunglasses backwards on your head will always make you look like a dick, even if you aren’t.
3. Using tweezers to avoid a unibrow is not a slippery slope to becoming gay.
4. Just because white briefs are on sale 12 for $4, doesn’t mean you should buy them.
5. Aftershave is always appreciated, whether you’ve shaved or not.
6. Unless you are Jim Morrison, no leather pants. (HINT: You are not Jim Morrison)
7. Supercuts usually aren’t.
BONUS TIP: Dressing up should involve a tie, not your less-wrinkled pair of Dockers.
If I’ve missed anything that you feel would be beneficial to the general population, please let me know. If it’s good advice, I will claim that I intended to use that in the next list and steal it from you. My lawyer will immediately dig up dirt from your past and you will be ruined, I repeat RUINED, if you contest.