As a freelance writer, there is one thing I know a lot about: unemployment. Of course, the easiest way to combat unemployment is simply applying for work. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, after you’ve sent out a resume (one heavily doctored to show you in a much better light than you really are, but difficult to confirm: your degree from, say, Cavendale Polytechnic School of Learned Things, your letter of recommendation from a politician or celebrity who recently passed away), the next step is the inevitably unnerving interview process.
While several of your friends and relatives will claim to be great at interviews, rest assured that they are lying. Odds are 99% that these same persons, after their most recent interview, were immediately forced to dispose of their shirt due to its being soiled by perspiration,…a soiling so bad that no ancient Chinese secret (ancient Chinese secret, ehhh?*) could claim to repair.
So, I have selflessly collected several tips from a variety of sources (most of which were college graduates now working at Starbucks and the former Silicon Valley CEO that delivered our pizza a few evenings ago) and present them here as a way to help you through those stressful interviews.
Job Interview Tips For Men
- Do not use your uncle, the Grand Dragon, as a reference.
- Don’t bring your monkey for moral support.
- Remember to always wear a nice tie.
- Remember to always wear more than just a tie.
- Do not misinterpret Casual Fridays as an offer of Friends With Benefits.
- Introduce yourself with a firm handshake. It shows confidence.
- Do not introduce yourself with a firm milkshake. It’s just weird.
- Sick Days do not mean Awesome Days.
- Don’t try to work in conspiracy theories about JFK’s assassination.
- Turing a handshake into arm wrestling can be seen as too competitive.
- Never reference the number of snuff films produced in your basement.
- Regardless of their sex, never ask the HR rep, ‘Is that a hairpiece?’
- Do not giggle at the mention of ‘job duties’.
- Job Interview Tips For Women
- Do not insist any interviews be conducted over Twitter only.
- Remember to compliment the HR rep’s choice of outfits.
- Remember to not end the compliment with, “I mean, for someone your age.”
- Do not send the rep a Facebook friend request within the first 5 minutes of the interview.
- Do not spend the interview mimicking the HR rep’s funny lisp.
- Never unbutton your blouse in response to ‘What are your qualifications?’
- When asked why you left your last job, never include the word ‘embezzlement’ in your response.
- When discussing perks, avoid negotiating for a 10-minute ‘purging break’.
- Wear professional-looking slacks or a conservative skirt.
- Do not wear pants emblazoned with the word ‘Pink’ on the butt.
- ‘Faking a paternity suit for profit’ should not be included in your career goals.
- Never try to use your parents’ country club standing as leverage.
- If the clock reads 4:20, never assume the rep will share your giggly enthusiasm.
With these simple, common sense rules, I suspect you will be working your dream job in the near future. Good luck!
* NOTE: I had to explain this reference to my wife and, as a result, I felt old.