Posts Tagged With: humor

Actually, It’s Both… My Shoe Size and My IQ

Generally, maturation is defined by a person’s reaching a physical and emotional “growing up”–the result of experiencing and benefitting from life’s innumerable lessons and, ultimately leading to each of us becoming the best us we can be.

As kids, we sponge-up as much information about life as we can because it is, from a basic primal instinct, required for all of us to survive. Such things as language, memory, why that thing is okay to touch, why that thing hurts, what that other thing even is exactly and why does eating it cause dizziness and an ability to hear colors. Without this necessary evolution of our individual selves, humans as a species would have long ago gone the way of the DoDo (not the bird, but the 1931 off-Broadway show about talking hair do’s that subsequently closed after only two weeks due to the smash success of the neighboring, less insistent musical, TryTry).

Doris Jenkins in her final performance as Hattie the Hairpin, one day before her suicide

Doris Jenkins in her final performance as Hattie the Hairpin, one day before her suicide

Growing up, I learned at a normal, healthy, socially acceptable Continue reading

Categories: Brain Go Ouch | Tags: , , | 153 Comments

Holiday Captions For Awful People 2013

befunky_xmas017

As with last year, I have decided that the best way to celebrate the holidays is by putting together a sort of thank you to all my new readers,  including the following folks who are, like, completely not spambots and are instead, like, super legit readers:

      elitesecuritycameras (a really big supporter of mine for years)

      freepsychologyreading (get a few drinks in this guy and you will hear some amazing stories!)

      bookcheaphotelsonline (Kind, soft-spoken and knows all there is to know about cheap hotels, so hit him up)

      ใส้หมูสับนี่อยู่ข้างในนั้นเป็นการ (what can I say? I love you, squiggly! I don’t care who knows it)

So, for new readers and old ones alike, please feel free to download these images that I “borrowed” and share them in celebration of the true meaning of Christmas: Maxing Out Your Credit Cards! Continue reading

Categories: Smartass | Tags: , , , , , , , | 32 Comments

My Name Is Mike and I’m a Felon

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If Oregon code 131.125 is taken into account, the statute of limitations on this particular crime has long since passed. This allows me to speak openly and in detail–without concern of incriminating myself or my accomplice–in a way that would stir up the Oregon DA to open its drawer of unsolved crimes, give the media reason to drag my name through the ringer and cause shame-by-association to my wife or friends.

My Future Friends. From L to R: Zip Gun Joe, Me, Coked Up Gabe and Racist Alan

The truth is that, at one point, I was a burglar. Not the cool, acceptable kind of burglar with a black hat, black mask and striped prison garb whose only joy stems from stealing Quarter Pounders, Big Macs and other food stamp-priced burgers devoid of nutrients. No, I was just a no-good, soulless, morally bankrupt house burglar whose life had been on its way to one of ruin and prison brawls—the kind of fate that would be a lot to handle for anyone.

But, it was even harder for me. I was only 4!

Continue reading

Categories: Childhood = 100 Years Ago | Tags: , , , , , , , | 52 Comments

Chowderhead Interviews Lil’ Ol’ Me

Adam over at Chowderhead, in what can only be seen as an attempt to lose readers, has interviewed me for his blog. If you get a moment, head on over and give it a read.

WARNING: The interview does contain pictures of my face (in my opinion, my very un-photogenic face), so be aware that you may find yourself immediately vowing celibacy.

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE

the-showdown

Categories: Shameless Plug, Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,

To All Who Come To This Happy Place… Aaaarrrggh!

NOTE - While I am offline writing fiction and ignoring my blog, I’ve decided to post a few pieces that 99% of you have never read.

Originally published by Forces Of Geek

*****

Perhaps I’d been serenaded “The Ballad of Davy Crockett” once too often while still in the womb or maybe it was the steady diet of Donald Duck brand orange juice made with fruit concentrate that did it to me. Whatever the root cause, I was raised with an inherent love of all things Disney. To my sister and me, Disney cartoons and films were seen as the embodiment of all things good, they conveyed a world where things were safe, where good things happened to good people and where solutions to most of our problems were just a Sherman brothers song away. I believed that the Disney magic was real. Real, that is, until… that one day.

What happened that day, you ask?

A sobering reality that haunts me to this day–that’s what happened.

Let us journey, boys and girls, back to a not-so-magical land called… Anaheim.

LBOfT

“Oh look. Anaheim has people dress up as foliage. How quaint!”

That particular morning, my adorable self had woken up with an enthusiasm unmatched since Continue reading

Categories: Childhood = 100 Years Ago | Tags: , , , , | 29 Comments

Because I Haven’t Got the Legs for Dancing

calahan:

My piece for Tipsy Lit and Ericka Clay. Enjoy and chew slowly.

Originally posted on Tipsy Lit:

Why do I write?

I’ve been asked to explain this on more than one occasion, often in a Yuletide forum by relatives who want only what’s best for me. These questions are presented with an unassuming, furrowed brow and often contain the words ‘what’, ‘in’, ‘the’ and ‘hell’. Each time the question is posed, the more difficult I find it to answer. As time passes, the reasoning that once seemed so black and white, morphs more and more into a menagerie of Freudian color and malformations, looking less like the once straight forward presentation and more like the aftermath of a drunken war of paintbrushes between Pollock and Neiman.

As a child, the stories were necessary as an escape to the anything-but-civil war taking place in my house. But now, as an adult, that excuse, much like the ones used to justify biting my sister, no longer exists. So, why…

View original 399 more words

Categories: Shameless Plug, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , | 4 Comments

A Look Into Rebound Relationships

NOTE – While I am offline writing fiction and ignoring my blog, I’ve decided to post a few pieces that 99% of you have never read or heard of.

*****

Romance, l’amour, that’s amore, gettin’ freaky.

Everybody, from the most social of butterflies to the cave-dwelling hermit, loves when romance rears its often misleading head. As is most often the case, new love starts off strong and intense, but soon fizzles out once the blinds of love are removed and each person realizes how loathsome the other really is. That isn’t to say that avoiding romance altogether is the road best traveled. Instead, when romance comes your way, embrace it. But, embrace it the way you might a baby cougar. While it’s still cute and innocent, enjoy it. But, the moment its claws sharpen, the moment its appetite is piqued at the first sight of blood, put it in a box marked CANDY and mail it to your nearest enemy.

"It's a wrong number, sure, but he does sound single. And I do want to answer questions about my credit score. Hmm, this may just work out."

“It’s a wrong number, sure, but he does sound single. Besides, David never once asked about my credit score and this fella wants to talk of nothing but. What to do, what to do?”

There are many romances that can cause disappointment, but such is life. ‘It’s better to have loved and lost…’ and all that. Such things make us better people. Still, there is one romance to be weary of, one to be actively avoided, as a matter of fact. That is the one termed ‘the rebound’. Continue reading

Categories: Every Day Episodes | Tags: , , , , , | 36 Comments

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