Over the next five years, Walt Disney Studios will be squeezing blood from stones as they begin production on the one thing audiences love: sequels to beloved films.
Colin Drabcock, Executive Franchise re-Imagineer, explained the new philosophy of the successful family studio, “People f**king love things that are familiar, s**t like that. They want to visit old friends, they want to look at old f**king pictures, they want to remember their motherf**king history. Do people want to go out and see a f**king movie because it has new characters? f**k no! They want to see movies that have the f**king characters they already f**king love. It’s like going back to the f**king innocence of your f**king childhood.”
After extensive studies of pie charts, internet SEO trends and online movie review sites, Disney media observers zeroed in on what modern audiences wanted.
“A successful f**king film,” says Drabcock, “has gotta have all the f**king stuff that reflects today’s audiences: sex, drugs and rock ‘n f**king roll. Woo! It’s gotta be fun, but also edgy and push the f**king boundaries a little. When people think Disney, they think of f**king bunny rabbits and songs written by a bunch of f**king gay dudes. Well, we’re here to change the f**k out of that, I promise. And that’s a promise you can take to the f**king bank.”
With its eyes on the horizon, Disney has begun production on several new projects that will revitalize both the studio and the financial viability of sequels. Provided for us is a rundown of the story lines, separated into themes: