My Nephew Presents…

A video!

For your viewing pleasure is a Christmas video by my nephew, Aidan. It celebrates our recent discovery of an amazing/ridiculous Christmas song from 1960 titled “Dominick the Donkey”

Show some love to both my nephew and the donkey, but, please, if you have any sort of criminal record, don’t come within 10 feet of either of them.

 

Categories: Shameless Plug | Tags: , , , | 65 Comments

My Name Is Mike and I’m a Felon

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If Oregon code 131.125 is taken into account, the statute of limitations on this particular crime has long since passed. This allows me to speak openly and in detail–without concern of incriminating myself or my accomplice–in a way that would stir up the Oregon DA to open its drawer of unsolved crimes, give the media reason to drag my name through the ringer and cause shame-by-association to my wife or friends.

My Future Friends. From L to R: Zip Gun Joe, Me, Coked Up Gabe and Racist Alan

The truth is that, at one point, I was a burglar. Not the cool, acceptable kind of burglar with a black hat, black mask and striped prison garb whose only joy stems from stealing Quarter Pounders, Big Macs and other food stamp-priced burgers devoid of nutrients. No, I was just a no-good, soulless, morally bankrupt house burglar whose life had been on its way to one of ruin and prison brawls—the kind of fate that would be a lot to handle for anyone.

But, it was even harder for me. I was only 4!

Continue reading

Categories: Childhood = 100 Years Ago | Tags: , , , , , , , | 52 Comments

Chowderhead Interviews Lil’ Ol’ Me

Adam over at Chowderhead, in what can only be seen as an attempt to lose readers, has interviewed me for his blog. If you get a moment, head on over and give it a read.

WARNING: The interview does contain pictures of my face (in my opinion, my very un-photogenic face), so be aware that you may find yourself immediately vowing celibacy.

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE

the-showdown

Categories: Shameless Plug, Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,

To All Who Come To This Happy Place… Aaaarrrggh!

NOTE - While I am offline writing fiction and ignoring my blog, I’ve decided to post a few pieces that 99% of you have never read.

Originally published by Forces Of Geek

*****

Perhaps I’d been serenaded “The Ballad of Davy Crockett” once too often while still in the womb or maybe it was the steady diet of Donald Duck brand orange juice made with fruit concentrate that did it to me. Whatever the root cause, I was raised with an inherent love of all things Disney. To my sister and me, Disney cartoons and films were seen as the embodiment of all things good, they conveyed a world where things were safe, where good things happened to good people and where solutions to most of our problems were just a Sherman brothers song away. I believed that the Disney magic was real. Real, that is, until… that one day.

What happened that day, you ask?

A sobering reality that haunts me to this day–that’s what happened.

Let us journey, boys and girls, back to a not-so-magical land called… Anaheim.

LBOfT

“Oh look. Anaheim has people dress up as foliage. How quaint!”

That particular morning, my adorable self had woken up with an enthusiasm unmatched since Continue reading

Categories: Childhood = 100 Years Ago | Tags: , , , , | 29 Comments

Because I Haven’t Got the Legs for Dancing

calahan:

My piece for Tipsy Lit and Ericka Clay. Enjoy and chew slowly.

Originally posted on TIPSY LIT:

Why do I write?

I’ve been asked to explain this on more than one occasion, often in a Yuletide forum by relatives who want only what’s best for me. These questions are presented with an unassuming, furrowed brow and often contain the words ‘what’, ‘in’, ‘the’ and ‘hell’. Each time the question is posed, the more difficult I find it to answer. As time passes, the reasoning that once seemed so black and white, morphs more and more into a menagerie of Freudian color and malformations, looking less like the once straight forward presentation and more like the aftermath of a drunken war of paintbrushes between Pollock and Neiman.

As a child, the stories were necessary as an escape to the anything-but-civil war taking place in my house. But now, as an adult, that excuse, much like the ones used to justify biting my sister, no longer exists. So, why…

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Categories: Shameless Plug, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , | 4 Comments

Twinkie, Twinkie, Little Star

calahan:

I was asked to contribute to a new site. I said yes only because I thought there would be prizes and snacks.

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

That’s right, America. The Twinkie is back! (for some reason)

twinkies_AP1306231992_900x675

Assumed by many to be the unholy result of a secret Nazi project codenamed either Twinkilnauss or Angelfoodensch, the Twinkie has been a staple of American households for decades.

Created in 1930, Twinkies were a way to utilize the angel food baking machines made seasonally dormant when strawberries weren’t in season. Instead of filling them with fruit, the cakes were filled with banana-flavored cream, put onto shelves and became an instant success. Due to the WWII rationing of bananas  (which, apparently, was a thing), the cream filling inside Twinkies was given the vanilla-flavor that we know today.

So, there you go, a brief history of Twinkies. But nowhere in that Cliff Notes version do we get an answer to the question: Why are Twinkies so popular?

Yes, it is safe to assume that this Twinkie incarnation didn't sell well in the segregated South. Yes, it is safe to assume that this Twinkie incarnation didn’t sell well in the…

View original 741 more words

Categories: Shameless Plug, Smartass | 11 Comments

A Look Into Rebound Relationships

NOTE – While I am offline writing fiction and ignoring my blog, I’ve decided to post a few pieces that 99% of you have never read or heard of.

*****

Romance, l’amour, that’s amore, gettin’ freaky.

Everybody, from the most social of butterflies to the cave-dwelling hermit, loves when romance rears its often misleading head. As is most often the case, new love starts off strong and intense, but soon fizzles out once the blinds of love are removed and each person realizes how loathsome the other really is. That isn’t to say that avoiding romance altogether is the road best traveled. Instead, when romance comes your way, embrace it. But, embrace it the way you might a baby cougar. While it’s still cute and innocent, enjoy it. But, the moment its claws sharpen, the moment its appetite is piqued at the first sight of blood, put it in a box marked CANDY and mail it to your nearest enemy.

"It's a wrong number, sure, but he does sound single. And I do want to answer questions about my credit score. Hmm, this may just work out."

“It’s a wrong number, sure, but he does sound single. Besides, David never once asked about my credit score and this fella wants to talk of nothing but. What to do, what to do?”

There are many romances that can cause disappointment, but such is life. ‘It’s better to have loved and lost…’ and all that. Such things make us better people. Still, there is one romance to be weary of, one to be actively avoided, as a matter of fact. That is the one termed ‘the rebound’. Continue reading

Categories: Every Day Episodes | Tags: , , , , , | 36 Comments

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