Thoroughly Modern Messiah

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

Step aside first century. The New Testament may soon be referred to as The Old New Testament. That’s because one the most widely distributed books in the world is finally getting a makeover.

For decades, religious leaders have watched the steady decline in church attendance, as well as fewer ticket sales to such fun stand-by’s as church bazaars, church picnics, and Tuesday night bingo. The church knows that in order to remain relevant, they mustn’t wait for new converts, they must, instead, reach out to hipper demographics, particularly young urbanites.

“Today’s youths,” says Arnold Peltierre, a spokesman at Kolchek and Moore, a PR firm representing the Vatican’s American media presence, “are busier than any other generation. They’re on their iPad computers, their cellular data phones, they attend concerts, they’re seeing 3D movies, they are just go go go. The more our technology progresses, however, we lose sight of what’s important…

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Categories: Shameless Plug

Holiday Captions For Awful People 2013

befunky_xmas017

As with last year, I have decided that the best way to celebrate the holidays is by putting together a sort of thank you to all my new readers,  including the following folks who are, like, completely not spambots and are instead, like, super legit readers:

      elitesecuritycameras (a really big supporter of mine for years)

      freepsychologyreading (get a few drinks in this guy and you will hear some amazing stories!)

      bookcheaphotelsonline (Kind, soft-spoken and knows all there is to know about cheap hotels, so hit him up)

      ใส้หมูสับนี่อยู่ข้างในนั้นเป็นการ (what can I say? I love you, squiggly! I don’t care who knows it)

So, for new readers and old ones alike, please feel free to download these images that I “borrowed” and share them in celebration of the true meaning of Christmas: Maxing Out Your Credit Cards! Continue reading

Categories: Smartass | Tags: , , , , , , , | 32 Comments

My Nephew Presents…

A video!

For your viewing pleasure is a Christmas video by my nephew, Aidan. It celebrates our recent discovery of an amazing/ridiculous Christmas song from 1960 titled “Dominick the Donkey”

Show some love to both my nephew and the donkey, but, please, if you have any sort of criminal record, don’t come within 10 feet of either of them.

 

Categories: Shameless Plug | Tags: , , , | 65 Comments

My Name Is Mike and I’m a Felon

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If Oregon code 131.125 is taken into account, the statute of limitations on this particular crime has long since passed. This allows me to speak openly and in detail–without concern of incriminating myself or my accomplice–in a way that would stir up the Oregon DA to open its drawer of unsolved crimes, give the media reason to drag my name through the ringer and cause shame-by-association to my wife or friends.

My Future Friends. From L to R: Zip Gun Joe, Me, Coked Up Gabe and Racist Alan

The truth is that, at one point, I was a burglar. Not the cool, acceptable kind of burglar with a black hat, black mask and striped prison garb whose only joy stems from stealing Quarter Pounders, Big Macs and other food stamp-priced burgers devoid of nutrients. No, I was just a no-good, soulless, morally bankrupt house burglar whose life had been on its way to one of ruin and prison brawls—the kind of fate that would be a lot to handle for anyone.

But, it was even harder for me. I was only 4!

Continue reading

Categories: Childhood = 100 Years Ago | Tags: , , , , , , , | 52 Comments

Chowderhead Interviews Lil’ Ol’ Me

Adam over at Chowderhead, in what can only be seen as an attempt to lose readers, has interviewed me for his blog. If you get a moment, head on over and give it a read.

WARNING: The interview does contain pictures of my face (in my opinion, my very un-photogenic face), so be aware that you may find yourself immediately vowing celibacy.

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE

the-showdown

Categories: Shameless Plug, Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,

To All Who Come To This Happy Place… Aaaarrrggh!

NOTE – While I am offline writing fiction and ignoring my blog, I’ve decided to post a few pieces that 99% of you have never read.

Originally published by Forces Of Geek

*****

Perhaps I’d been serenaded “The Ballad of Davy Crockett” once too often while still in the womb or maybe it was the steady diet of Donald Duck brand orange juice made with fruit concentrate that did it to me. Whatever the root cause, I was raised with an inherent love of all things Disney. To my sister and me, Disney cartoons and films were seen as the embodiment of all things good, they conveyed a world where things were safe, where good things happened to good people and where solutions to most of our problems were just a Sherman brothers song away. I believed that the Disney magic was real. Real, that is, until… that one day.

What happened that day, you ask?

A sobering reality that haunts me to this day–that’s what happened.

Let us journey, boys and girls, back to a not-so-magical land called… Anaheim.

LBOfT

“Oh look. Anaheim has people dress up as foliage. How quaint!”

That particular morning, my adorable self had woken up with an enthusiasm unmatched since Continue reading

Categories: Childhood = 100 Years Ago | Tags: , , , , | 30 Comments

Because I Haven’t Got the Legs for Dancing

calahan:

My piece for Tipsy Lit and Ericka Clay. Enjoy and chew slowly.

Originally posted on TIPSY LIT:

Why do I write?

I’ve been asked to explain this on more than one occasion, often in a Yuletide forum by relatives who want only what’s best for me. These questions are presented with an unassuming, furrowed brow and often contain the words ‘what’, ‘in’, ‘the’ and ‘hell’. Each time the question is posed, the more difficult I find it to answer. As time passes, the reasoning that once seemed so black and white, morphs more and more into a menagerie of Freudian color and malformations, looking less like the once straight forward presentation and more like the aftermath of a drunken war of paintbrushes between Pollock and Neiman.

As a child, the stories were necessary as an escape to the anything-but-civil war taking place in my house. But now, as an adult, that excuse, much like the ones used to justify biting my sister, no longer exists. So, why…

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Categories: Shameless Plug, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , | 4 Comments

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