Summertime Captions For Awful People

Today is the first day of Autumn.

This means it is time to say goodbye to Summer. It is time to realize that we can do better than Summer. For some of us, perhaps it’s time to pretend we never even met Summer. That’s right, Summer. We’ve moved on.

Need more proof, Summer? Look at my new relationship status on Facebook:

post share empty facebook status vector clipart icon ztuts

Now, some folks (mostly friends and co-workers of Summer’s) might say that I Continue reading

Categories: Smartass | Tags: , , , , | 50 Comments

Holiday Captions For Awful People 2013


As with last year, I have decided that the best way to celebrate the holidays is by putting together a sort of thank you to all my new readers,  including the following folks who are, like, completely not spambots and are instead, like, super legit readers:

      elitesecuritycameras (a really big supporter of mine for years)

      freepsychologyreading (get a few drinks in this guy and you will hear some amazing stories!)

      bookcheaphotelsonline (Kind, soft-spoken and knows all there is to know about cheap hotels, so hit him up)

      ใส้หมูสับนี่อยู่ข้างในนั้นเป็นการ (what can I say? I love you, squiggly! I don’t care who knows it)

So, for new readers and old ones alike, please feel free to download these images that I “borrowed” and share them in celebration of the true meaning of Christmas: Maxing Out Your Credit Cards! Continue reading

Categories: Smartass | Tags: , , , , , , , | 32 Comments

Twinkie, Twinkie, Little Star


I was asked to contribute to a new site. I said yes only because I thought there would be prizes and snacks.

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

That’s right, America. The Twinkie is back! (for some reason)


Assumed by many to be the unholy result of a secret Nazi project codenamed either Twinkilnauss or Angelfoodensch, the Twinkie has been a staple of American households for decades.

Created in 1930, Twinkies were a way to utilize the angel food baking machines made seasonally dormant when strawberries weren’t in season. Instead of filling them with fruit, the cakes were filled with banana-flavored cream, put onto shelves and became an instant success. Due to the WWII rationing of bananas  (which, apparently, was a thing), the cream filling inside Twinkies was given the vanilla-flavor that we know today.

So, there you go, a brief history of Twinkies. But nowhere in that Cliff Notes version do we get an answer to the question: Why are Twinkies so popular?

Yes, it is safe to assume that this Twinkie incarnation didn't sell well in the segregated South. Yes, it is safe to assume that this Twinkie incarnation didn’t sell well in the…

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Categories: Shameless Plug, Smartass | 11 Comments

New Social Pariah Schedule From AMC Theatres

As a way to reach out to an untapped market, movie theatres nationwide have implemented Mommy Matinees, times specifically geared toward socially isolated mothers with newborns. No longer the target of angry shushing, hurled Whoppers and complaints to theatre managers, new mothers can attend movies without being singled out. Mommy Matinees are incredibly lucrative as they allow exhausted women the freedom to escape with the latest Hollywood blockbuster, while enjoying the meditative calm that comes with a theatre full of colicky infants and the inescapable smell of talcum. Said Marcia L. of Bakersfield, CA, “I love it. I get to get my Channing Tatum on, eat a tub of popcorn and let the triplets scream their lungs out. I mean, they usually end up losing breath and passing out, so I just let ‘em do what they’re gonna do.”

With that in mind, the pioneers at AMC Theatres have begun designing matinees centered specifically around those customers that most other patrons simply despise.

Rev. Thomas Portney (shown here) of Minnesota’s St. Victoria’s Secret Hope Church hides his face from reporters during AMC’s Glen Or Glenda Mondays.

“Everyone loves going to the movies,” says Andrew Patton, Customer Relations Manager for AMC, “but everyone is different. 90% of our customers prefer a quiet theatre. So, that leaves 10% whose needs aren’t being met. AMC’s new schedules will reflect Continue reading

Categories: Fiction Fiasco, Smartass | Tags: , , , , | 65 Comments

Uncorking A Bottle of Whoopass

Pre-game brawls in parking lots. Waves of projectiles hurled at someone wearing a rival jersey. Violence erupting in the grandstands. These acts have become acceptable (and, at times, expected) at any given major league sporting event. And, as a result of our nation’s increasingly nonchalant attitude of ‘boys will be boys’, this behavior has begun to slither its way into other areas of our culture. From small towns to metropolitan sprawls, police nationwide have all reported a disturbing trend: a rise in violence stemming from over-enthusiastic fans.


“Excuse me, young man. I’m sorry to interrupt, but some spectators mentioned you were a &%$# sucking @@$%#@# that eats $%^#@$ by the pound and has $%&*@ and %#$^@#$ for brains. I just wanted to know if that was true.”

Gone are the days when good-natured ribbing over a rival interest was met with a hearty laugh or, perhaps, a friendly wager. The drunken brute attendee of your father’s days (the one whose loud criticisms of outcomes or performances might get him escorted to the nearest exit) has been replaced by the drunken brute with a knife or gun who is willing to risk life in prison on behalf of his brand loyalty.

While media coverage of these events is relatively scarce, one story has emerged out of Continue reading

Categories: Fiction Fiasco, Smartass | Tags: , , , , , | 60 Comments

Holiday Captions For Awful People

Ho x 3!


With Christmas fast approaching, America’s holiday traditions are in full force: overeating while forgetting that gluttony is a sin, giving gifts you can’t afford to relatives you can’t possibly like and, all the while, feeling like you’ve contributed to the peace on Earth and goodwill toward man because you spent $.99 on a can of cream of mushroom soup and dropped it into the donation bin at work.

And so, I felt that it would be nice to share a little Christmas spirit with my readers (both of you) and all of the Google-bots that truly are the beating heart to my blog’s self-esteem.

Feel free to download these images I do not own and share them with your loved ones. Or just share them with your family.

Continue reading

Categories: Smartass | Tags: , , , , , , | 55 Comments

Misogyny Is Swingin’, Baby

A few evenings ago, half-heartedly listening as an online music station played in the background, a song came on that gave me a sudden wait-did-I-just-hear-what-I-think-I-heard moment. I listened as a few more stanzas confirmed that I had heard what I thought I’d heard.

I laughed and asked my wife, “Are you hearing these lyrics?”

She paused to listen. “Oh my. That’s not at all dated,” she joked.

As she considered more of the friendly advice doled out in the song, she said, “God, I really suck as a wife. I’m really sorry, sweety. I wish someone would’ve told me of these criteria before we got married.”

I gestured toward the music playing. “They’re rules in music form,” I argued. “Rules you can dance to. What more do you need?”

Swingin’, baby.

Continue reading

Categories: Smartass | Tags: , , , , , , | 39 Comments

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