Uncorking A Bottle of Whoopass

Pre-game brawls in parking lots. Waves of projectiles hurled at someone wearing a rival jersey. Violence erupting in the grandstands. These acts have become acceptable (and, at times, expected) at any given major league sporting event. And, as a result of our nation’s increasingly nonchalant attitude of ‘boys will be boys’, this behavior has begun to slither its way into other areas of our culture. From small towns to metropolitan sprawls, police nationwide have all reported a disturbing trend: a rise in violence stemming from over-enthusiastic fans.

“Excuse me, young man. I’m sorry to interrupt, but some spectators mentioned you were a &%$# sucking @@$%#@# that eats $%^#@$ by the pound and has $%&*@ and %#$^@#$ for brains. I just wanted to know if that was true.”

Gone are the days when good-natured ribbing over a rival interest was met with a hearty laugh or, perhaps, a friendly wager. The drunken brute attendee of your father’s days (the one whose loud criticisms of outcomes or performances might get him escorted to the nearest exit) has been replaced by the drunken brute with a knife or gun who is willing to risk life in prison on behalf of his brand loyalty.

While media coverage of these events is relatively scarce, one story has emerged out of

Holiday Captions For Awful People

Ho x 3!

With Christmas fast approaching, America’s holiday traditions are in full force: overeating while forgetting that gluttony is a sin, giving gifts you can’t afford to relatives you can’t possibly like and, all the while, feeling like you’ve contributed to the peace on Earth and goodwill toward man because you spent $.99 on a can of cream of mushroom soup and dropped it into the donation bin at work.

And so, I felt that it would be nice to share a little Christmas spirit with my readers (both of you) and all of the Google-bots that truly are the beating heart to my blog’s self-esteem.

Feel free to download these images I do not own and share them with your loved ones. Or just share them with your family.

Misogyny Is Swingin’, Baby

A few evenings ago, half-heartedly listening as an online music station played in the background, a song came on that gave me a sudden wait-did-I-just-hear-what-I-think-I-heard moment. I listened as a few more stanzas confirmed that I had heard what I thought I’d heard.

I laughed and asked my wife, “Are you hearing these lyrics?”

She paused to listen. “Oh my. That’s not at all dated,” she joked.

As she considered more of the friendly advice doled out in the song, she said, “God, I really suck as a wife. I’m really sorry, sweety. I wish someone would’ve told me of these criteria before we got married.”

I gestured toward the music playing. “They’re rules in music form,” I argued. “Rules you can dance to. What more do you need?”

Swingin’, baby.

My Solution To Off-Leash Park Debates

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The town I live in is currently having a debate with regards to a pilot program that the city managers are considering. Some folks want to have certain hours at the parks designated as off-leash for dogs, others are concerned that this will be total chaos. After reading many of the fear-driven arguments against this program and concern for the safety of kids, I couldn’t resist writing this piece suggesting a solution that is a win-win for everyone:

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When In Public, Use A Leash

On any given Spring day, one only needs to look as far as one of our parks or along the sidewalks of our downtown to know one thing: kids and pets share a lot of space. But is this a good thing? Some say not to worry, while others see potential for trouble.

According to the 2010 US Census, there are almost 3000 kids under the age of 9 in Los Gatos. The number of dogs in our town surpasses even that number. Obviously, pets and kids must learn to live in harmony with civic responsibility.

As a pet owner, I enjoy walking my dog through one of our local parks for some good old-fashioned exercise. She always has a great time, but I always keep a cautious eye open with regards to our surroundings because, whether in the park or even downtown, it is not uncommon to see a lot of folks who think leashes are unnecessary when they’re out in public. Time and again, I’ve witnessed the chaos that can result from those who feel leashes are optional: running into traffic, chasing geese, rushing toward a frightened elderly person, unmonitored defecation, biting and scratching.

In an ideal world, my dog and your kid could romp and play around the park in innocent fun. But, this is the real world and accidents do happen and a moment of play can quickly become a traumatic experience. 

With that said, I would like to call on the town to make public safety and comfort a priority by designating a section of our parks to a fenced-in, leash-free park for kids.

A triple leash prevents this day out from becoming a triple threat.