Smartass

Holiday Captions For Awful People 2013

befunky_xmas017

As with last year, I have decided that the best way to celebrate the holidays is by putting together a sort of thank you to all my new readers,  including the following folks who are, like, completely not spambots and are instead, like, super legit readers:

      elitesecuritycameras (a really big supporter of mine for years)

      freepsychologyreading (get a few drinks in this guy and you will hear some amazing stories!)

      bookcheaphotelsonline (Kind, soft-spoken and knows all there is to know about cheap hotels, so hit him up)

      ใส้หมูสับนี่อยู่ข้างในนั้นเป็นการ (what can I say? I love you, squiggly! I don’t care who knows it)

So, for new readers and old ones alike, please feel free to download these images that I “borrowed” and share them in celebration of the true meaning of Christmas: Maxing Out Your Credit Cards! Continue reading

Categories: Smartass | Tags: , , , , , , , | 32 Comments

Twinkie, Twinkie, Little Star

calahan:

I was asked to contribute to a new site. I said yes only because I thought there would be prizes and snacks.

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

That’s right, America. The Twinkie is back! (for some reason)

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Assumed by many to be the unholy result of a secret Nazi project codenamed either Twinkilnauss or Angelfoodensch, the Twinkie has been a staple of American households for decades.

Created in 1930, Twinkies were a way to utilize the angel food baking machines made seasonally dormant when strawberries weren’t in season. Instead of filling them with fruit, the cakes were filled with banana-flavored cream, put onto shelves and became an instant success. Due to the WWII rationing of bananas  (which, apparently, was a thing), the cream filling inside Twinkies was given the vanilla-flavor that we know today.

So, there you go, a brief history of Twinkies. But nowhere in that Cliff Notes version do we get an answer to the question: Why are Twinkies so popular?

Yes, it is safe to assume that this Twinkie incarnation didn't sell well in the segregated South. Yes, it is safe to assume that this Twinkie incarnation didn’t sell well in the…

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Categories: Shameless Plug, Smartass | 11 Comments

New Social Pariah Schedule From AMC Theatres

As a way to reach out to an untapped market, movie theatres nationwide have implemented Mommy Matinees, times specifically geared toward socially isolated mothers with newborns. No longer the target of angry shushing, hurled Whoppers and complaints to theatre managers, new mothers can attend movies without being singled out. Mommy Matinees are incredibly lucrative as they allow exhausted women the freedom to escape with the latest Hollywood blockbuster, while enjoying the meditative calm that comes with a theatre full of colicky infants and the inescapable smell of talcum. Said Marcia L. of Bakersfield, CA, “I love it. I get to get my Channing Tatum on, eat a tub of popcorn and let the triplets scream their lungs out. I mean, they usually end up losing breath and passing out, so I just let ‘em do what they’re gonna do.”

With that in mind, the pioneers at AMC Theatres have begun designing matinees centered specifically around those customers that most other patrons simply despise.

Rev. Thomas Portney (shown here) of Minnesota’s St. Victoria’s Secret Hope Church hides his face from reporters during AMC’s Glen Or Glenda Mondays.

“Everyone loves going to the movies,” says Andrew Patton, Customer Relations Manager for AMC, “but everyone is different. 90% of our customers prefer a quiet theatre. So, that leaves 10% whose needs aren’t being met. AMC’s new schedules will reflect Continue reading

Categories: Fiction Fiasco, Smartass | Tags: , , , , | 65 Comments

Uncorking A Bottle of Whoopass

Pre-game brawls in parking lots. Waves of projectiles hurled at someone wearing a rival jersey. Violence erupting in the grandstands. These acts have become acceptable (and, at times, expected) at any given major league sporting event. And, as a result of our nation’s increasingly nonchalant attitude of ‘boys will be boys’, this behavior has begun to slither its way into other areas of our culture. From small towns to metropolitan sprawls, police nationwide have all reported a disturbing trend: a rise in violence stemming from over-enthusiastic fans.

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“Excuse me, young man. I’m sorry to interrupt, but some spectators mentioned you were a &%$# sucking @@$%#@# that eats $%^#@$ by the pound and has $%&*@ and %#$^@#$ for brains. I just wanted to know if that was true.”

Gone are the days when good-natured ribbing over a rival interest was met with a hearty laugh or, perhaps, a friendly wager. The drunken brute attendee of your father’s days (the one whose loud criticisms of outcomes or performances might get him escorted to the nearest exit) has been replaced by the drunken brute with a knife or gun who is willing to risk life in prison on behalf of his brand loyalty.

While media coverage of these events is relatively scarce, one story has emerged out of Continue reading

Categories: Fiction Fiasco, Smartass | Tags: , , , , , | 60 Comments

Holiday Captions For Awful People

Ho x 3!

BeFunky_xmas017

With Christmas fast approaching, America’s holiday traditions are in full force: overeating while forgetting that gluttony is a sin, giving gifts you can’t afford to relatives you can’t possibly like and, all the while, feeling like you’ve contributed to the peace on Earth and goodwill toward man because you spent $.99 on a can of cream of mushroom soup and dropped it into the donation bin at work.

And so, I felt that it would be nice to share a little Christmas spirit with my readers (both of you) and all of the Google-bots that truly are the beating heart to my blog’s self-esteem.

Feel free to download these images I do not own and share them with your loved ones. Or just share them with your family.

Continue reading

Categories: Smartass | Tags: , , , , , , | 55 Comments

Misogyny Is Swingin’, Baby

A few evenings ago, half-heartedly listening as an online music station played in the background, a song came on that gave me a sudden wait-did-I-just-hear-what-I-think-I-heard moment. I listened as a few more stanzas confirmed that I had heard what I thought I’d heard.

I laughed and asked my wife, “Are you hearing these lyrics?”

She paused to listen. “Oh my. That’s not at all dated,” she joked.

As she considered more of the friendly advice doled out in the song, she said, “God, I really suck as a wife. I’m really sorry, sweety. I wish someone would’ve told me of these criteria before we got married.”

I gestured toward the music playing. “They’re rules in music form,” I argued. “Rules you can dance to. What more do you need?”

Swingin’, baby.

Continue reading

Categories: Smartass | Tags: , , , , , , | 39 Comments

My Solution To Off-Leash Park Debates

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The town I live in is currently having a debate with regards to a pilot program that the city managers are considering. Some folks want to have certain hours at the parks designated as off-leash for dogs, others are concerned that this will be total chaos. After reading many of the fear-driven arguments against this program and concern for the safety of kids, I couldn’t resist writing this piece suggesting a solution that is a win-win for everyone:

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When In Public, Use A Leash

On any given Spring day, one only needs to look as far as one of our parks or along the sidewalks of our downtown to know one thing: kids and pets share a lot of space. But is this a good thing? Some say not to worry, while others see potential for trouble.

According to the 2010 US Census, there are almost 3000 kids under the age of 9 in Los Gatos. The number of dogs in our town surpasses even that number. Obviously, pets and kids must learn to live in harmony with civic responsibility.

As a pet owner, I enjoy walking my dog through one of our local parks for some good old-fashioned exercise. She always has a great time, but I always keep a cautious eye open with regards to our surroundings because, whether in the park or even downtown, it is not uncommon to see a lot of folks who think leashes are unnecessary when they’re out in public. Time and again, I’ve witnessed the chaos that can result from those who feel leashes are optional: running into traffic, chasing geese, rushing toward a frightened elderly person, unmonitored defecation, biting and scratching.

In an ideal world, my dog and your kid could romp and play around the park in innocent fun. But, this is the real world and accidents do happen and a moment of play can quickly become a traumatic experience. 

With that said, I would like to call on the town to make public safety and comfort a priority by designating a section of our parks to a fenced-in, leash-free park for kids.

A triple leash prevents this day out from becoming a triple threat.

Continue reading

Categories: Smartass | Tags: , , , , | 19 Comments

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