Tips On Adulthood

As someone who inhabits the same sphere of influence as pop teen sensations, I believe that I have a responsibility to today’s youth. By the very nature of my being a hero to so many, kids all over the world look up to me for advice. The most common question I receive from my young stalkers is in regards to how I made the transition from the social and physical awkwardness of adolescence to the current social and physical awkwardness of my adulthood.

Growing up: As the term suggests, we as humans all inevitably grow and change as our bodies mature (for those still unclear what this means, please view such helpful films as Billy’s Morning Shame and Womanhood: God’s Punishment).

Members of Ogendville’s Anti-Puberty Club toast to a successful meeting. The following morning, John Deacon (far L) was forced to drop out.

However, while most of you will grow in the preferred up direction without any trouble, there will be those family members and friends who will find this task insurmountable. Whether it’s your aunt in Arizona who overcompensates for the emotional voids in her life by filling every inch of her apartment with each plate from every series put out by Spinster House Collectibles, or your uncle whose retirement party was attended predominately by surly teenagers he’d met while buying beer at the nearby convenience store, these unfortunate individuals fail to grow up gracefully.

While it may be too late for me to pass along any lasting or influential advice to said aunt or uncle, I do hope that I can successfully steer some of you into the realm of functioning adult with a few tips.

Holiday Rules For Everyone

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“Home is where the heart is.”

“Don’t spend more than you can afford.”

Advice that has been handed down for generations and stood the test of time are the result of a combination of common sense, downhome know-how and a cycle of emotional abuse that perpetuates the strict demands of those relatives long dead.

Holiday advice is, in many aspects, a tradition. And, for much the same reason that certain decorations are dusted off every year, despite their cracking, bending and being covered in black mold, tradition is one of the hallmarks of the holidays. (Fun fact: It is also one of the hallmarks of Hallmark!)

“Wait, so why am I putting this giant, Indonesian centipede on the tree, again?”
“‘Cuz it’s tradition, silly!… Now, where did that scorpion run off to?”

With tradition comes unspoken (but occasionally yelled) rules that are drilled into your young psyche, put through the ringer of dysfunctional family gatherings and, for a large investment, can be purged and unlearned through years of Cognitive Behavior Therapy.

As you ready yourself for a day of overeating, passive aggressive conversations and the opening of presents and old wounds, my egg nog-addled brain has put together tips that I believe will make this holiday season a win for you and a heartwarming* memory for your family (but, then again, I believe our cat understands everything I say).

*By  heartwarming, I mean in the emotional, full of good will sense and not in the defibrillator set to maximum sense.

Style Tips For Men and Women

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“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”

“Leaving a little to the imagination is sexy”

These are just a few of the pieces of advice handed down from first-time life coaches and stale fortune cookies. These words of wisdom continue to be handed out like prostitution leaflets on a Vegas street because they are tried and true, for the ages, informative instructions that continue to inspire and reward.

As someone who has been certified in EUTS (Everything Under The Sun) from the Professional Institute of Placeimadeup, I feel compelled to bestow some of my (not yet) patented words of higher knowledge to my readers, especially the intellectually inferior among you (no Le Names, but you know who you are.)

Knowing how to carry oneself is important because it can mean the difference between getting the job or getting a friendly email that says ‘You were one of the worst applicants we’ve ever had. Ever’ but disguised in a thinly veiled ‘Did not meet the requirements’. I know what you meant, Janice Beekman of Mansonite Bros. Corp. LLC.

“…not qualified for the job, hmm? What do they mean by that ‘not qualified’? I bet they hated that I wore mens briefs as pants. That’s what it means, doesn’t it? What was I thinking?”

Dressing appropriately and stylishly can also mean the difference between a flirtatious look of interest from that attractive person across the room and that attractive group pointing at you and laughing from across the room.

To alleviate any gender confusion, I have separated the tips into two categories: Men and Women. For those of you who fit into neither or both categories, take away whatever resonates with you. Also, which bathroom do you use? I mean, like, in public. Whoa, whoa, I’m not judging! I’m just curious.

Tips For Dining Out

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Whether a romantic evening out before surprising your spouse with divorce papers or simply because those Wienerschnitzel coupons on your refrigerator aren’t going to cash themselves, going out to eat is one of the more common pastimes for much of the western world (the term ‘western world’ here being used in the European influence sense and not the “This here town ain’t big enough fer both’a us.” Just wanted to be clear on that.)

Going out to eat isn’t as simple as leaving your front door and finding a candle-lit table waiting for you. No, it is requires an amount of planning, some finesse for pairing restaurant with occasion and food types with dietary needs. An important business meeting with a wealthy client could go horribly wrong if the luncheon includes reaching into the Pick Your Own Gator tank. Conversely, a simple craving for a hot dog should not involve waiters who make more than you do.

“Madame’s wiener is satisfactory, I hope. It was procured from an off-freeway convenience station where I was mugged and beaten by delinquents. Madame’s packet of catsup was lost in the tussle, I’m afraid.”

Job Interview Tips For Men and Women

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As a freelance writer, there is one thing I know a lot about: unemployment. Of course, the easiest way to combat unemployment is simply applying for work. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, after you’ve sent out a resume (one heavily doctored to show you in a much better light than you really are, but difficult to confirm: your degree from, say, Cavendale Polytechnic School of Learned Things, your letter of recommendation from a politician or celebrity who recently passed away), the next step is the inevitably unnerving interview process.

While several of your friends and relatives will claim to be great at interviews, rest assured that they are lying. Odds are 99% that these same persons, after their most recent interview, were immediately forced to dispose of their shirt due to its being soiled by perspiration,…a soiling so bad that no ancient Chinese secret (ancient Chinese secret, ehhh?*) could claim to repair.

So, I have selflessly collected several tips from a variety of sources (most of which were college graduates now working at Starbucks and the former Silicon Valley CEO that delivered our pizza a few evenings ago) and present them here as a way to help you through those stressful interviews.

“Oh, I can do all sorts of things. For example, if I stand like this, then the papers on your desk don’t blow away.”

Highbrow/Lowbrow

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Sometimes propriety comes from a woman whose articles are syndicated in newspapers nationwide. Other times, it is a learned behavior based on observation and the guidance of others. And, sometimes, it is simply natural and intuitive, like breathing, squinting at the sun or blaming an international banking crisis on a small group of Inter-dimensional Zionist Freemasons.

Aspects of every personality are formed by environment or heredity or both. A taste in music may mirror that of your parents; a propensity for science may show itself from the moment a child can ask ‘why?’ In short, there is no right answer. People can force themselves into a mold, whether it fits or not, or they can simply follow their gut and do what feels to be the right thing. Some choices may be highbrow (respectable, cultured and pretentious) and others might be lowbrow (crass, uncivilized and pathological).

Not sure which category you fit into? Below are some examples to help you build up or tear down your self-perception and confidence. You’re welcome.