As someone who inhabits the same sphere of influence as pop teen sensations, I believe that I have a responsibility to today’s youth. By the very nature of my being a hero to so many, kids all over the world look up to me for advice. The most common question I receive from my young stalkers is in regards to how I made the transition from the social and physical awkwardness of adolescence to the current social and physical awkwardness of my adulthood.
Growing up: As the term suggests, we as humans all inevitably grow and change as our bodies mature (for those still unclear what this means, please view such helpful films as Billy’s Morning Shame and Womanhood: God’s Punishment).
However, while most of you will grow in the preferred up direction without any trouble, there will be those family members and friends who will find this task insurmountable. Whether it’s your aunt in Arizona who overcompensates for the emotional voids in her life by filling every inch of her apartment with each plate from every series put out by Spinster House Collectibles, or your uncle whose retirement party was attended predominately by surly teenagers he’d met while buying beer at the nearby convenience store, these unfortunate individuals fail to grow up gracefully.
While it may be too late for me to pass along any lasting or influential advice to said aunt or uncle, I do hope that I can successfully steer some of you into the realm of functioning adult with a few tips.