My Name Is Mike and I’m a Felon

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If Oregon code 131.125 is taken into account, the statute of limitations on this particular crime has long since passed. This allows me to speak openly and in detail–without concern of incriminating myself or my accomplice–in a way that would stir up the Oregon DA to open its drawer of unsolved crimes, give the media reason to drag my name through the ringer and cause shame-by-association to my wife or friends.

My Future Friends. From L to R: Zip Gun Joe, Me, Coked Up Gabe and Racist Alan

The truth is that, at one point, I was a burglar. Not the cool, acceptable kind of burglar with a black hat, black mask and striped prison garb whose only joy stems from stealing Quarter Pounders, Big Macs and other food stamp-priced burgers devoid of nutrients. No, I was just a no-good, soulless, morally bankrupt house burglar whose life had been on its way to one of ruin and prison brawls—the kind of fate that would be a lot to handle for anyone.

But, it was even harder for me. I was only 4!

Most of my days back then were spent with my loving, funny and nurturing babysitter, TV. Since the majority of the kids on the block were of school age, my default, weekday best-friend was a girl named Carrie (the only other child around my age). With a mussed-up bowl cut, grungy clothes handed down from her brother and what seemed like a perpetual smudge of something or other on her face, Carrie was a cross between a butchy Huck Finn and a less-charming Scout Finch.

On this particular day, I was sitting on the curb in front of our house using my finger to mix one of the many pools of Rainbow Water that would periodically and mysteriously appear all along our street. As I wondered what magical properties Rainbow Water held when tasted, Carrie came by on Pretty Beauty, her invisible horse. “You wanna to go for a ride with us?” she asked.

Drink Rainbow Water, See Time Magically Dance

After hooking up her father’s gas pump to the town’s well, Janie’s Rainbow Water spring insured that all of her neighbors could watch time magically dance.

“No, my mom said I’m not a’spost to.” This was lie. The truth was, I had tried to ride on Pretty Beauty once before, but Carrie kept yelling at me (‘You’re goin’ too fast! You’re gonna hurted her feet!’ ‘You’re pulling-ed too hard on the strings and making her cry!’ ‘Don’t ride on the sidewalk! The sidewalk is the ocean and she’ll drown by sharks!’) “I can wide my owned horse,” I offered.

“Your horse is mean and’ll stab Pretty Beauty!”

Although I’d never actually had an invisible horse, Carrie knew the truth all too well: my horse was a real dick. Had an invisible veterinarian walked by, at that moment, I would have made the choice to put my unimagined imaginary horse down, then and there. That may sound cruel, but it would have been selfish of me to put other invisible horses at risk because my horse had a tendency to stab.

Pretty Beauty majestically jumps a fence.
Go, Pretty Beauty! Go!

“Wanna go see Brian?” she asked. Brian was an older boy, 6, who lived a few houses over and whose mother let us neighborhood kids eat whatever snacks she had available: ice cream, soda, chocolate and what always seemed like a bottomless box of Saltines. We could go through a sleeve of crackers and a jar of peanut butter in the same time it took my sister to see me and say, “Go away.”

I reminded Carrie that Brian was at school, so we had to wait for him to come home. “He’s not at school,” she said. “He gots a cold from being sick and has to blow his nose. We should visit because he’s by his-self.”

“Where’s his mom?”

Carrie shrugged and that was enough to convince me that Brian was desperately in need of our company. We hurried over, both of us running.

NOTE: For those readers emotionally attached to Pretty Beauty (and, let’s be honest, who isn’t?), I apologize for her ambiguous disappearance, but just assume that she was placed into an invisible stable with all the oats and Rainbow Water she wanted.

I reached for the doorbell, but Carrie told me not to. “He said don’t ringed the doorbell ‘cuz he’s asleep.”

The sliding glass door in the back yard was locked. Carrie, much more resourceful and determined than me when it came to visiting sick friends, got down on her hands and knees and entered through the pet door. Despite the door being used strictly by the family cat, Carrie requested (‘requested’ in much the same way drill sergeants request recruits to do 200 push-ups over a pile of soiled jockstraps) that I pant and whine like a puppy while I used the pet door. I was a really good at being a puppy.

I went to Brian’s room, but he was not there. “He must’ve went to the doctor,” Carrie said. “But I ‘member he said to eat stuff before we leave.”

While I was uncomfortable being in an empty home, I could not resist free snacks. After all, Brian practically begged us to help ourselves, right?

Saltines, the gateway for career criminals everywhere

After the umpteenth (I couldn’t count, yet) Saltine with peanut butter, I began to realize that what we were doing was wrong. Moments later, a very sad me-puppy, unable to give anything but an insincere bark, went back out through the pet door.

I didn’t wait for Carrie. I ran home as fast I could, trying to outrun the feelings of guilt and remorse that were biting at my heels. I slowly opened the front door to our house and tiptoed inside. My mom waved to me from the kitchen where she stood talking on our yellow wall phone.

Oh my god. My mom…was on…the phone. It was obvious to me that the police had called. “Mrs. Calahan, we have some bad news about your son. – No, ma’am. It’s worse. He’s going to jail for stealing. – Saltines, ma’am. And peanut butter. – That’s right, ma’am. That big, scary jail in that movie you watched yesterday.”

It wasn’t long (or maybe it was. I couldn’t tell time, yet, either) before my mom hung up the phone with Detective Somename, the man in charge of really bad kids who should’ve done the right thing and ridden an invisible horse. She took a step toward me with a sweet smile, and then froze in confusion as I broke into a banshee-like wail. Kneeling down to check me for open wounds, she asked, “What’s wrong? Are you okay? Tell me what happened.”

Through the tears streaming down my face and other fluids running from my nose, I explained in great detail what had happened. “Carrie and *sniff * Brian *drool* school *cough* puppy *long sniff* ate crackers an’ *choke* I’m sorry *struggle for breath* my horse *gasp* don’ wanna *spit away tears* jail *freak the &$@% out*.

My crime helped make the career of media darling Detective Somename. Smug bastard.

Fortunately, my mom was fluent in the language of Tearsandsnot and actually understood what I was trying to say. She calmed me down and reassured me I would not serve any prison time (something quite rare amongst those with the last name of Calahan, actually) and soothed me with a glass of milk. From the kitchen window, she saw someone passing by and waved for them to come in. She stood at the front door and talked quietly (conspiratorially?) with the mystery person. Then, “Michael, can you come over here for a moment?”

Hesitantly, I went to the front door and there stood Brian’s mom. I knew there was no reason to attempt a lie because I’d already admitted everything to my mom. I also knew there was no chance of my taking to a fugitive’s life on the lam because I was not allowed to go off our block without supervision. Defeated and destined for a life as a beefed-up and tattooed member of a prison yard gang, I collapsed onto the linoleum of our entryway in an unholy mixture of tears and guilt.

Brian’s mom gently picked up the moist and sticky mess that was me from the floor. She told me that everything was going to be fine, that I wasn’t in trouble and that she wasn’t mad. “Next time, just wait until we’re home.” That was the closest thing to a reprimand I ever got.

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“Me? Oh, I stole some crackers. And peanut butter. I was really out of control. Enough about me, though, what about you fellas? How’d you get sentenced to life?”

So, there it is. My confession.

Do I regret the infamous Saltine Caper? Of course! I mean, I was this close (by ‘this close’, I imagine a rope being stretched between Hong Kong and, say, the moon) to life in prison. And who’s to say how many cartons of cigarettes it would cost a thug to procure just one Saltine with peanut butter.

If by chance I am ever invited to your home and you happen to serve Saltines with peanut butter and we find ourselves reaching for the same cracker, just remember this: I have already risked prison for Saltines. So, do yourself a favor, look into my cold, dead eyes and ask yourself, “Is this really someone I wanna mess with?”

Well, is it, punk?

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Categories: Childhood = 100 Years Ago | Tags: , , , , , , , | 52 Comments

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52 thoughts on “My Name Is Mike and I’m a Felon

  1. That was the best story ever! Definitely, you will not find me taking the last saltine cracker!

    • Don’t make the same mistakes I made. Don’t even get involved with Saltines. Sure, eating them has a rock ‘n roll vibe, but it’s not worth the loss of your soul.

  2. Loved this story! :)

  3. “Carrie was a cross between a butchy Huck Finn and a less-charming Scout Finch.”—Hey, I resent that… ;)

    Great story and so wonderfully written. Loved the “fluent in the language of Tearsandsnot” phrase. It’s a gift we mothers have, I guess.

  4. Not being a parent, I am forced to occasionally use Google’s English to Tearsandsnot translator tool. It’s surprising how often it comes up!

  5. I’m glad things worked out well for Pretty Beauty.

    Also, Saltines and peanut butter are worth hard time.

    Furthermore, the beauty of the first photo is you can repurpose that in future posts, such as the story of how you were one of the Original Village People, before they got famous.

    In addition, I’m looking at the header, “Bargain Linens Overwhelm Gloria” and it is hilarious.

    The end.

  6. Honestly, I would use that first photo more than just the one time, but each subsequent printing of that photo requires me to give $20 to Racist Alan. I just can’t afford to keep paying him royalties.

  7. Mike, your glasses were huge on you back then.. I love the *kid talk* – pretty funny visual of you haha!

  8. Well you little shit, lucky you didn’t have a serious nut allergy!!

    Just kidding Mike. I wanted to risk messing with ya to see if you’d be all tough and wipe boogers on me or something.

    • I wouldn’t do that to you. Instead, I’d wait for the right moment and then take out my revenge on you by letting a balled up rubber band unravel in your hair. That’s gonna have to be cut out!

  9. invisible veterinarian. i hate you. too funny.

  10. Great story. Maybe you can get it to Jif and they’ll sponsor your site.

  11. OK I feel duped. When I started reading your post I was like “Sweet! Finally something dark and illegal coming out of a blog read. I wasn’t expecting that!” And then I learned you were only 4. Either way it was a sweet, funny, endearing story so I guess I’ll forgive you. =)

    • In my defense, Stacie, a crime was committed by me. Therefore, you read the post of an admitted criminal, one with an inability to perceive right and wrong, one who things of nothing but his own selfish satisfaction, one who was 1-2 years out of diapers, one who was convinced monsters lived in the closet. You want dark? Oh, this is all quite dark. That’s why they invented night lights.

  12. This is so much worse than when I accidentally stole a glittery, angel greeting card from Giant. You are a hardened criminal. I’m glad you’re not in Oregon anymore.

  13. “because my horse had a tendency to stab.” Bwahaha! Fun stuff.

  14. BEST POST EVER!! Love It! BUT……You did make me MISS my home STATE of So. Oregon. I’ve only been here in Sunny Arizona for 2 months. CAN NOT WAIT to move back to Oregon!! GO DUCKS!

    Author, Catherine Lyon :-)

    • It’s been a long time (several presidencies) since I was an Oregon resident, but I am fond of the state, still. Where in Oregon did you live?

      • We lived in So. Oregon, Grants Pass…..Right up the street from the “Famous Rogue River”…….We hope to go back in just under a year, but will live over on the coast some where. :-) I really don’t like the HOT weather here in AZ. *Cat*

        • I know Grants Pass. We used to go camping near there, when I was a kid. If you are at all familiar with the town of Sutherlin, you get a bonus 10 points. :)

          • Of course, I think it’s just on the other side of Roseburg? We went up that way to cut over to the Central Coast. We went that way so we could stop and see the ELK at a big Elk Reserve. :-) :-)
            I’ll collect my points now!! LOL *Cat*

  15. No one ever messes with the saltineburglar, and not just because he’s obviously the cousin of the hamburglar.

    • Mayor McCheese pardoned the Hamburglar in exchange for info on the Saltineburglar. Rumor or truth? Who knows, but I do know that the Witness Relocation Program just recently moved someone by the name of Hamilton Burglarstein to a small town in AZ. Hmm…

      • Hahaha! As soon as a purple morbidly obese monster (?? WTF was Grimace?) starts wandering the streets of Arizona, the jig is up and you can exact your revenge, which, obviously, will be to kidnap Hamilton Burglarstein and drop him off at a vegan ashram.

  16. I can see why you carry that guilt and remorse around like an albatross (the one from the monty python skit) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrqW_BZu5Xk

    I also like a nice non sequitur with peanut butter.

  17. I immediately pictured Carrie as a Peppermint Patty look-alike. Man, I had forgotten all about eating pb on saltines when I was younger. Ah… the good ol’ days.

    So you know… you’re not the only young felon. When I was the tender age of one, I stole a teddy bear. Apparently I grabbed it when my parents were shopping and the cashier must have assumed I had it to begin with. My mom and dad didn’t realize it until we got to the car and then they were too embarrassed to return it. I still have the teddy bear.

  18. Why, you and Carrie are just regular Bonnie and Clyde… if Bonnie and Clyde started at age 4 and rode invisible horses instead of cars.

  19. Wow. I knew you were hard, but not a stone-cold felon. This was a great story, and brought me back. I committed a few “crimes” as a kid (like you, B&E springs immediately to mind) without realizing I was doing anything wrong.

    • Stones wish they were as cold as me. Except those hot stones they use for massages. Those stones would be out of a job if they were as cold as me.

  20. This story was absolutely adorable, and I love how you talk about “rainbow water” in the gutter– I remember watching the swirling colors after someone emptied antifreeze into the water running down the street side (which later killed our dog). I mean– she went away to live on the farm with Pretty Beauty. <– the photo of her almost made me wet my pants, btw.

    • I’m so sorry to hear about your dog. That’s awful.

      I am glad that Pretty Beauty, that magnificent thoroughbred, gave you a smile, though. If only you could have had a glass of rainbow water and ridden Pretty Beauty, oh what childhood that would have been. That’s right, one spent in the ER.

  21. This is the best story of all time. I say that about once a week, but this time, I mean it! I could hear you tear-snot-storytelling and it wrung my heart.

    • After a dose of tear-snot-storytelling, you should not only wring out your heart, but wash it in bleach. Just to be safe.

  22. I love Saltines–white, wheat, stolen…as long as they have a whole lot of salt on the ines!

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