New Social Pariah Schedule From AMC Theatres

As a way to reach out to an untapped market, movie theatres nationwide have implemented Mommy Matinees, times specifically geared toward socially isolated mothers with newborns. No longer the target of angry shushing, hurled Whoppers and complaints to theatre managers, new mothers can attend movies without being singled out. Mommy Matinees are incredibly lucrative as they allow exhausted women the freedom to escape with the latest Hollywood blockbuster, while enjoying the meditative calm that comes with a theatre full of colicky infants and the inescapable smell of talcum. Said Marcia L. of Bakersfield, CA, “I love it. I get to get my Channing Tatum on, eat a tub of popcorn and let the triplets scream their lungs out. I mean, they usually end up losing breath and passing out, so I just let ‘em do what they’re gonna do.”

With that in mind, the pioneers at AMC Theatres have begun designing matinees centered specifically around those customers that most other patrons simply despise.

Rev. Thomas Portney (shown here) of Minnesota’s St. Victoria’s Secret Hope Church hides his face from reporters during AMC’s Glen Or Glenda Mondays.

“Everyone loves going to the movies,” says Andrew Patton, Customer Relations Manager for AMC, “but everyone is different. 90% of our customers prefer a quiet theatre. So, that leaves 10% whose needs aren’t being met. AMC’s new schedules will reflect the needs of both the 90 and the 10%. Starting this summer, we will be beta testing several new matinees.

“Body Issue Monday will begin testing in Lubbock, TX. BIM’s allow overweight spinsters and the self-loathing lonely hearts to come together and hurl insults at Kristen Stewart for being too thin. ‘Real women have curves, you little bitch!’, ‘Eat a %#$@ cheeseburger, you *&$%-ing @%$#!’ and ‘Your man’s gonna cut himself on that bony ass!’ can now be yelled freely without the repercussion of being asked to leave.

Jerry Fielding, 9, of Akron no longer feels self-conscious thanks to Irritable Bowel Mondays.

Jerry Fielding, 9, of Akron no longer has to feel self-conscious or receive disgusted glares thanks to Irritable Bowel Thursday.

“Turn It Up Tuesday is proving wildly popular throughout Florida. Turn It Up Tuesday is perfect for our patrons who can’t admit to themselves that they’re losing their hearing and insist that the actors are mumbling. While we can’t fix the individual moviegoer’s hearing, we do provide some wonderful perks. For example, spouses who are forced to repeat all of the movie’s dialogue slowly, loudly and often more than once get in for half price.

Andrew waits for a letter from AMC Theatres in response to his suggestion of Fully Functional Friday, a schedule for adults with comically small bodies.

“Paranoid Wednesday has been designed with our schizophrenic customers in mind, specifically those that are positive the film’s dialogue, no matter how innocuous, is directed at them. Since starting this in Fort Wayne, Paranoid Wednesday has not only attracted a large audience, a combination of the initially targeted mentally ill as well as the unexpected appeal to the chronically self-medicated, but it has also provided AMC with a lucrative recycling program. The large number of tin foil hats and notebooks filled with handwritten manifestos left behind each Wednesday has allowed the Fort Wayne theatre to apply for Certified Green Business status.

“Slurp and Crunch Thursday is perfect for open-mouthed chewers who enjoy shoveling peanut butter cups without pause, slurping nacho cheese drippings off the front of their shirt or sucking up the last of the melted ice and soda sludge from the bottom of their individual 72oz cup. To many, a theatre full of belching, slurping and labored breathing can be seen as crude and insufferable. To AMC, those sounds mean a happy Thursday.

Knit One, Ticket One Sundays are aimed at audience members who say things like, "Friends? Oh goodness, who has time with all of this knitting?"

Ticket One, Pearl Two Sundays are aimed at audience members who say things like, “Friends? Oh goodness, who has time with all of this knitting?”

“Let’s Be Friends Friday is ideal for couples where one of them wants to break it off with the other and chooses a public venue for fear of the other person making a scene. Out of respect for the one being dumped, we only schedule films where either a cherished pet or doting grandparent dies. This allows the tears and sorrow-induced profanity to pour out without the dumpee looking out of place. The way we at AMC see it, it’s bad enough these poor schmucks will be feeling dejected, unloved, ugly, worthless and incapable of ever meeting someone else, they don’t need to feel self-conscious, too.”

When asked about other ideas, Mr. Patton said, “Well, in a few cities, we tried to include a show time for hoarders. Unfortunately, the theatres quickly fill up with cats, rotting food and Hummel figurines, so we’ve got some kinks to figure out.”

Andrew Patton hopes AMC’s ever-changing schedule will make the theatre a destination for everyone. “We’re constantly  testing out new ideas to appeal to our diverse audience. We know there are a lot of freaks and weirdos out there and we hope every one of those nut jobs can find a home, for at least a few hours a week, at an AMC theatre.”

In Indiana, Janet Rodderdam takes the kids to the local AMC's About Daddy Saturday, where kids learn that daddy's not really on a business trip, but has moved to Vegas with his whore secretary.

In Indiana, Janet Rodderdam takes the kids to the local AMC’s very specialized So…About Daddy Saturday, where kids learn that daddy’s not really on a business trip, but has moved to Vegas with his whore secretary.

Categories: Fiction Fiasco, Smartass | Tags: , , , , | 65 Comments

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65 thoughts on “New Social Pariah Schedule From AMC Theatres

  1. Oh Mike, how I love to read your deliciously funny posts. Always worth the wait, and such a nice surprise in my email to be notified that there is one waiting for me to enjoy.

  2. Mike, this was a riot! I think you covered all your bases. I wish I had had a mom’s movie matinee when I had little ones, otherwise you just see lots and lots of kids’ movies.

    • I remember being taken to the movies by my mom, but never considered how painfully boring it must have been for her to sit through some of those. Especially, when it was a movie we’d already seen more than once.

  3. Really looking forward to Irritable bowel thursday – ‘better than the crap on the screen!’
    You crack me up, Friend.
    Where did you find that small man, large chair pic? From a movie? Aleister in Wonderland?

    • Ah! The ‘crap on the screen’ line is brilliant! Ha.

      The picture is a still from The Incredible Shrinking Man. It’s completely out of place. :)

  4. This is hysterical. I’m all about Slurp and Crunch Thursday.

    • If you go alone, you will no doubt meet the butter flavored substitute slurping man of your dreams, Katie. He might have a heart attack before the movie’s over, but the quality of the time spent together is more important than the length of time.

  5. Do they ever have fights between the Polyester fans trying to throw out the Rayon people on their night?

  6. Genius Callahan! Simply genius!

  7. Awesome post! I’m your newest fan!

  8. Brilliant. With your deft handling of most fringes of society, I think you should run for President. (of something)

  9. Do the Mommy Matinees serve alcoholic beverages? If so, I’m in.

  10. I am currently petitioning our local theatre for “Beergut Without Babes” Sunday where guys in their midlife crisis cars that think they can still bang young chicks can go to park their cars, admire other vehicles in the lot, order large buttered popcorns and slurp beer while watching Megan Fox in some idiotic thriller thinking how they could easily “do her.”
    Better they get it out in the confines of a dark theatre than out there on the streets.

    • I really think you’re onto something with that one. Oh, and by the way, each and every one of those dudes could totally bang Megan Fox. If she wasn’t such a stuck up be-yatch, that is. Actually, you know what? You know what? To hell with her. They can all do better than her! They don’t need her! They don’t need anybody! *sniff*

  11. I delete them.

    Written during a “Gassy Thursday” screening.

    • The theater definitely needs to lock the doors once the movie begins on Gassy Thursday. A door prematurely opened might result in a sonic boom.

  12. Shout It Out Sundays for all of those who enjoy interactive theater. Shout at the characters at the screen with reckless abandon. You tell that D-list starlet not to go in the basement when she hears a noise! Let Ryan Gosling know exactly what you think of his abs! Go ahead, give your friend on your cell phone a live play-by-play of the entire movie!

  13. Loved this. Also, your banner cracks me up so much. I love the biblical gap one.

  14. You know, some of these could work. I’d lock in a copyright if I were you.
    Great fun, as always.

  15. Calahan – you are FREAKIN’ AWESOME – I was hoping for “Funicular Friday” – I think some of those Alpine cities could really go for it.

    • Don’t count Funicular Friday out. These are beta cities only being tested in the States, so who knows what to expect one AMC goes worldwide.

  16. This is pure science really.

  17. That AMC Theatre schedule has been quite a success at the 25 screen AMC in Times Square. If I’m not mistaken, I recently saw The Great Gatsby in Theater 17 on Cellphone Ringing Saturday.

    Thanks for the badge featuring my book on your site. That’s such an honor, Mike!

  18. What about Handjob Saturdays?

  19. You crack me up every time, Calahan!
    Can you throw popcorn at the screen on BIMs? I’ve always wanted to do that.

    • If you pay admission to an AMC theatre, you have the right to throw whatever you want. I’m pretty sure that’s part of their business model.

  20. I’m looking forward to BIMs. I can sit there with my giant tub of popcorn and gallon of soda, eat my Raisinets, Dots, Goobers, Good & Plenty, Junior Mints, Milk Duds and Twizzlers and nobody will look at me funny. And I know a lot of people who need to be banished to Slurp & Crunch Thursdays.

    • Once again, I’ll save you a seat at the next BIM, but try to show up this time. I’m tired of sitting by myself. Is it because I’m fat? It’s because I’m fat, isn’t it? Isn’t it?!

  21. Mike, correct me if I’m wrong, but this is Satire?

  22. What about “Wear your long johns Wednesday”? Come on AMC!

    Seriously funny. I about died at the “Irritable Bowel” caption. Oh, and just a heads up, my roomies are out to the movies doing inappropriate things in the back row. So this is probably a good time for you to escape the attic before they find out about all of the peanut butter you have been stealing. I’ll be on the look out.

    • Thanks for the head’s up, Becca. By the way, someone needs to buy more peanut butter. There’s none left!

  23. Hello Mike! You know, I’d love to observe the Paranoid Wednesday people, but keep me far far away from the Slurpies and Chewies on Thursday. I also pictured a sing-a-long Monday, but that’s more for Bollywood movies I think haha. Or special effect Friday for people who loved to add their own special effects during scenes, like wooshing sounds or a random dum dum dummmm during dramatic scenes.

    LOVED this!

    • As a kid, I would have fit in great for your FX Fridays. My sister hated that I made my own sound effects. The best part is that now her own son does it. Hee hee.

  24. I like Jen’s idea.

  25. This is a fantastic and horrifying notion, but I like it. Really great post and the pics are ahmazing!

    • Thanks, Molly! I appreciate you stopping by, whether it was to read or just because you happened here by accident when searching for markcallaghan.wordpress.com

  26. What day can people in onesies show up?

    • Great question. From what I understand, it’s only at 2 o’clock on a Wednesday, but only after the movie has already started.

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