Tips On Adulthood

As someone who inhabits the same sphere of influence as pop teen sensations, I believe that I have a responsibility to today’s youth. By the very nature of my being a hero to so many, kids all over the world look up to me for advice. The most common question I receive from my young stalkers is in regards to how I made the transition from the social and physical awkwardness of adolescence to the current social and physical awkwardness of my adulthood.

Growing up: As the term suggests, we as humans all inevitably grow and change as our bodies mature (for those still unclear what this means, please view such helpful films as Billy’s Morning Shame and Womanhood: God’s Punishment).

Members of Ogendville's Anti-Puberty Club toast to a successful meeting. The following morning, John Deacon (far L) was forced to drop out.

Members of Ogendville’s Anti-Puberty Club toast to a successful meeting. The following morning, John Deacon (far L) was forced to drop out.

However, while most of you will grow in the preferred up direction without any trouble, there will be those family members and friends who will find this task insurmountable. Whether it’s your aunt in Arizona who overcompensates for the emotional voids in her life by filling every inch of her apartment with each plate from every series put out by Spinster House Collectibles, or your uncle whose retirement party was attended predominately by surly teenagers he’d met while buying beer at the nearby convenience store, these unfortunate individuals fail to grow up gracefully.

While it may be too late for me to pass along any lasting or influential advice to said aunt or uncle, I do hope that I can successfully steer some of you into the realm of functioning adult with a few tips.

***

MEN, DON’T PRETEND TO BE SOMEONE YOU ARE NOT

1. Making gang signals in all of your photographs isn’t convincing anyone of your street cred
2. Being at a pub doesn’t mean you should talk like Oliver Twist, gov’na
3. ‘Built it myself’ and ‘put it together myself’ are two completely different scenarios
4. Don’t claim to be an aficionado of dance if poles and strobe lights are involved
5. Spinners on your family’s minivan isn’t causing the world to think, “That’s one badass father of 3!”
6. The achievements of your favorite sports team are not your own achievements
7. A cubicle on the end is not the same as having a corner office
8. Renting a parking space does not equal you having a foot in the real estate market

7b365d63cb94cdd9_landing

Darren Sarnack turned his new real estate investment at Larry’s All-Nite Parking into his also getting his very own office. He would forever consider it the greatest day of his life.

***

LADIES, DON’T SEEK ATTENTION FOR ATTENTION’S SAKE

1. Just because your dog fits in your purse doesn’t mean it should accompany you to the mall
2. Making out with another girl is not a college requirement
3. Instead of getting implants to accomodate your current boyfriend’s ideal, get a new boyfriend
4. Though it may help you fit into those size 0 jeans, black coffee and baby food is not a sustainable diet
5. Don’t give into peer pressure: It’s okay to be neither Team Jacob nor Team Edward
6. Other women see your playing dumb as sad and demeaning
7. Designer clothes and sports car is never a good reason for bankruptcy
8. If you let a boyfriend take a sexy photograph of you, it will eventually end up on the Internet

"Doreen, I swear these pictures are just for me. I promise I won't put any of these on the Internet. Now, come on, baby, be sexier."

“Doreen, I swear these pictures are just for me. None of ‘em will end up on the Internet. Now, lift your arms up just a little more and make those lips poutier.”

***

Growing up is a process, a series of trials and tribulations, but these things make us who we are as we learn both from our successes and our mistakes. Once you’ve reached adulthood, you may still experience trials and tribulations. In my own life, I seem to be forever embroiled in one trial or tribunal after another from one of my many wives claiming that I “abandoned” them. Of course, each and every one of these trials is ridiculous because the wedding ceremonies themselves were all officiated by a sock puppet and therefore not legal. Sorry, ladies!

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Categories: Lazy Lists | Tags: , , , , | 85 Comments

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85 thoughts on “Tips On Adulthood

  1. So good.

    • Thanks, Ross. Not only am I good, but I am well-behaved when company comes over and keep my room tidy.

  2. Excellent, as always.
    I’w sweep yo chimney, I whih I whih, gov’na!
    -Team Mike

  3. I was on Team David Bowie – but he didn’t care

  4. Great. That risqué picture of me in a Snuggie is going to ruin my political career.

    Excellent advice.

  5. 1. My cats fit in my purse. One on each side. Economically friendly.
    2. I made out with my first girl in elementary school; college is so 2001.
    3. My past boyfriend’s said my boobs were too big … or maybe it was saggy … or both.
    4. Pizza. Cheesecake. ‘Nuff said.
    5. Team Edward, Mike. You can’t take that away from me.
    6. I don’t have to play dumb, it comes naturally. Feminists weep at my doorstep.
    7. I went bankrupt from concert tickets and saxophone lessons.
    8. I have an amateur porno vid floating around her somewhere …

    So maybe I’m not doing to horribly at being a grown up … according to your list.

    • “Feminists weep at my doorstep.” Ha. Next time, I need to bring you into loop before writing one of these.

  6. Hahahaha. Funny and relatable, thanks :)

  7. You know, if Aunt had simply invested in those commemorative John Deacon plates, she could have used the proceeds to take the whole Knitting and Tuba Squad for all you can eat wings at Hooters .

    Judgemental whippersnapper…

    • But Aunt didn’t do that. Aunt has too many plates for so little wall space and Aunt has started bringing her plates with her on visits, as though they were her prized poodles. Aunt is starting to creep me out. This Thanksgiving, Aunt is spending it at your house, Guap, not mine.

      • Fine.
        But I’m telling her you made me sign the commitment papers.
        And you live closer, so you’ll have to feed her poodles.

        • And polish her plates. Yeah, I know. Haven’t you wondered why I’m constantly applying for work on small islands that are unreachable by commercial aircraft?

  8. I only have one look: sexy. Hello internet!
    Denmother

  9. For years AARP has been stalking me to join their team, but I refuse to mainline Geritol.

  10. Man…I wish I had read this before I had made all these mistakes. Oh well, que sera sera.

  11. javaj240

    So funny — really love the pics/captions!

  12. Reblogged this on maha's place.

  13. I started #4 Monday but I guess I’ll abandon that for a Jersey Mike’s sub at lunch now. My inner stomach monster says, “THANK YOU!!!!!”

    • You’re lucky. My inner stomach monster said, “I’ll be hatching soon and will destroy your chest cavity.”

  14. So good. So gallant. Glad to know that Team Mike will be available to steer my kids on the right path in 5-10 years when they choose to grow up.
    Those are great photos. You make the internet a better place.

  15. What if I’m the one making him get the implants? Am I obligated to be with him for the rest of eternity?

    • Leave him the moment you’re bored. That way, it’s a complete gender reversal on the traditional a-hole personality.

  16. Hello! Excellent advice, Mr. Calahan. It’s a slight scary thought that the advice for the ladies…well there are plenty of ladies who DO need to hear this. Guys too. I really don’t get the whole dog in the purse thing. I always want to rescue the dog when I see it.

    I love the pictures! I wish I had fancy outfits. Oh! I want a flapper dress and dance around now.

    *hides again* :)

  17. When I was young I didn’t have an imaginary freind, I had an imaginary nodding aquaintance. Maybe that’s where I went wrong.

    • Ha. My imaginary friends all started talking behind my back and then ditched me. Last I heard, they had all shared a house in college.

  18. Your list for women should be required reading for all girls! Great post.

  19. Printing this out and folding it up in my back pocket for future reference

  20. I’m heaving a huge sigh of relief. I’ve never made out with another girl, and always wondered if I was somehow missing out. Just kidding. Not about the never making out part, that’s true. About the wondering. I’m definitely team Edward though. Making out with a vampire is much more appealing to me than a werewolf.

  21. OK, so what is your advice for an, ahem, older woman who wants to make out with Ricardo Montalban? OK, so he’s dead. Does that make a difference?

  22. I can’t get past my disappointment that “Billy’s Morning Shame” and “Womanhood: God’s Punishment” were not functioning links.

  23. My teenage girls need this. Not for anything concrete but just to head them off at the pass. Well done sir!

  24. I don’t need fancy rims on my minivan (although we’ve had it for two years, I don’t know the make or model–it’s ugly and white) to let people know this father of three is hot property.

    I agree with you on the Cockney thing, and would go further to proscribe any British affectations from non-British (or possibly Canadian) people. I knew a dude who referred to cigarettes as “fags.” To his credit, he didn’t use that term to refer to gay people, but as he was very American, it was off-putting.

    • Yeah, I can see how that could be misconstrued or create awkward/hilarious misunderstandings during, say, a pride parade.

  25. I’ve been dragging my German Shephard around in oversized luggage for too long…

    • You should probably let him out to use the bathroom, at some point. Not all luggage is water proof.

  26. All solid advice for the ladies and gents. I’ve actually met “lady who gets boob job for boyfriend” and it made me throw up all over the dog that was in my purse.

  27. Great post. If only I had a.) had this advice at the crucial defining moments of my life b.) been inclined to listen to good advice, ever – on another note, it’s good to see a fresh post up, I have been checking/stalking :-)

    • I am inconsistent about consistently posting, it’s true. Thanks for being a loyal and faithful stalker, Cakes.

  28. “Womanhood: God’s Punishment”… perfect.

  29. “‘Built it myself’ and ‘put it together myself’ are two completely different scenarios”… I’m so glad this was for men and not women… I can continue to say, in reference to the furniture I got from ikea, that I built that! With these tips, I shall go forth and be an adulty adult.

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