As someone who inhabits the same sphere of influence as pop teen sensations, I believe that I have a responsibility to today’s youth. By the very nature of my being a hero to so many, kids all over the world look up to me for advice. The most common question I receive from my young stalkers is in regards to how I made the transition from the social and physical awkwardness of adolescence to the current social and physical awkwardness of my adulthood.
Growing up: As the term suggests, we as humans all inevitably grow and change as our bodies mature (for those still unclear what this means, please view such helpful films as Billy’s Morning Shame and Womanhood: God’s Punishment).
However, while most of you will grow in the preferred up direction without any trouble, there will be those family members and friends who will find this task insurmountable. Whether it’s your aunt in Arizona who overcompensates for the emotional voids in her life by filling every inch of her apartment with each plate from every series put out by Spinster House Collectibles, or your uncle whose retirement party was attended predominately by surly teenagers he’d met while buying beer at the nearby convenience store, these unfortunate individuals fail to grow up gracefully.
While it may be too late for me to pass along any lasting or influential advice to said aunt or uncle, I do hope that I can successfully steer some of you into the realm of functioning adult with a few tips.
MEN, DON’T PRETEND TO BE SOMEONE YOU ARE NOT
1. Making gang signals in all of your photographs isn’t convincing anyone of your street cred
2. Being at a pub doesn’t mean you should talk like Oliver Twist, gov’na
3. ‘Built it myself’ and ‘put it together myself’ are two completely different scenarios
4. Don’t claim to be an aficionado of dance if poles and strobe lights are involved
5. Spinners on your family’s minivan isn’t causing the world to think, “That’s one badass father of 3!”
6. The achievements of your favorite sports team are not your own achievements
7. A cubicle on the end is not the same as having a corner office
8. Renting a parking space does not equal you having a foot in the real estate market
LADIES, DON’T SEEK ATTENTION FOR ATTENTION’S SAKE
1. Just because your dog fits in your purse doesn’t mean it should accompany you to the mall
2. Making out with another girl is not a college requirement
3. Instead of getting implants to accomodate your current boyfriend’s ideal, get a new boyfriend
4. Though it may help you fit into those size 0 jeans, black coffee and baby food is not a sustainable diet
5. Don’t give into peer pressure: It’s okay to be neither Team Jacob nor Team Edward
6. Other women see your playing dumb as sad and demeaning
7. Designer clothes and sports car is never a good reason for bankruptcy
8. If you let a boyfriend take a sexy photograph of you, it will eventually end up on the Internet
Growing up is a process, a series of trials and tribulations, but these things make us who we are as we learn both from our successes and our mistakes. Once you’ve reached adulthood, you may still experience trials and tribulations. In my own life, I seem to be forever embroiled in one trial or tribunal after another from one of my many wives claiming that I “abandoned” them. Of course, each and every one of these trials is ridiculous because the wedding ceremonies themselves were all officiated by a sock puppet and therefore not legal. Sorry, ladies!