Yeah, I have one. And it’s a girl.
Back in 2008, I started writing as a character named Valerie Atherton. She was created in response to the masculine-dominated fanboy blogs, many of which were so myopic in their tastes, but also their attitude of never being pleased. Movies are nitpicked and dissected ad nauseum and there was a sense of entitlement about them, a sense that studios needed to somehow check in with these “fans” before making any major decisions because, well, they knew better.
So, I created Valerie, a self-proclaimed ‘movie reviewer writer person’, to not only add a female voice, but a female voice that would piss them off to no end. One reader called Valerie, “…kryptonite to fanboys.”
Some of the responses she’s gotten from fanboys are pure gold:
RE: Inglorious Bastards (purposely spelled correctly) – “This is the worst movie review I have ever read. I would list all of the mistakes but it would take too much time and effort.”
RE: Clash Of The Titans - “…your review was awful. It made me throw up in my own pants”
RE: Predators – “Grow some braincells or get familiar with the genre before going in and doing a review…”
Because of other projects, I haven’t revisited Valerie since June. I encourage all of you to go read her newest review of Django Unchained, a prequel to the movie Lincoln. If you like it, please subscribe to Valerie Atherton Playground and Intellectual Dept. You may or may not be disappointed, I don’t really know.
One thing is for sure, though: I would love to get Valerie Freshly Pressed. Le Clown, work your magic.
Movie Review: Django Unchained
The dentist/cop doesn’t have the heart to tell Django that his backpack is actually a saddle and that it goes on a horse.
Oh my god, that’s the most interesting, funny thing ever! An alter ego! That sends up pompous jerks! I approve. Plus, Valerie Atherton is a great name just in general, I might find a role for her in my slasher flick. Maybe Brad Pitt can star (and take his top off, lol).
Thanks. She even has a bio and everything.
Speaking of Brad Pitt, she posted a picture of with his shirt off, so you two would get along.
Perhaps Valerie has acquired a couple of new brain cells since May? I’ll check in to find out….
I’m guessing no.
HA!! You just brightened my day. (Or shall I say Valerie did?) Now I can’t wait until my daughter hits the sack tonight so that I can read more old reviews. And the comments are HIlarious.
Glad to hear it. Let me know what you think of the other reviews, if you get the chance.
Good lord!
You have issues, calahan.
(Good thing they’re funny ones!)
Ha. Thanks, Guap! I’ll take that as the compliment I know it is.
Wow! I don’t remember the last time I laughed so hard. I love Valerie! The review of Jango Unchaine is just so damn hilarious! I can’t wait to read more.
Hey, you got the titled right! Ha.
Glad you’re having a good laugh, that’s really the whole point of it.
I read some of the comments on Inglorious Basterds. Did people really think you were serious? That’s too funny!
Some people totally believe it, that’s when it’s at its best. A lot of those comments on that review came via some Tarantino fan forum. Ha.
I’m going to have to go back and read the review and the comments when I have more time. How hilarious. Is that blog hosted at WP? I’m so lazy now, I just want to click “follow” in the frame above the page on stuff I like.
No, it’s just uses WP software. It doesn’t have a follow or like button, unfortunately.
I have a crush on Valerie. Is that weird? That’s weird.
It’s not weird. Having a crush on me, now that’s weird.
Nah, just Valerie.
Then you are someone with good taste.
Brilliant. I just read the Inglorious Basterds one. I can’t wait to read the rest! I love how serious fanboys get about this stuff.
For me, their hatred is usually the funniest parts (when they actually leave comments)
Haha! I can’t stop laughing! It’s brilliant!
Because inevitably a female voice would have to be dumb? Interestingly, misogyny should be right up the fanboys’ alley.
It is and that’s why she is what she is.
I love Valarie!!!! Excellent work Mr. Calahan. She is eff-ing brilliant.
Aww, eff-ing shucks.
These are freaking hilarious. You must have had such a good time writing these, I would have laughed myself silly just coming up with this stuff. I liked the Django Unchained review and the Inglorious Bastards review best. “Mr. President Lincoln” and “American United States” were nice touches. Reading Valerie’s reviews makes me want hang out with her so we could go for ice cream and talk about our hair and stuff.
She is lactose intolerant, but would otherwise totally hang out with you.
p.s.–that is a bizarre avatar that was just auto-selected for me…
You’re fucking brilliant. I read each one, and you made me LOL. Do you hear me? I LOL’d!
I made you Leap On Larry? I don’t even know what that means!
Happy to see the revival of your alter ego!
Holy shit was that funny. Thank you – you’re alter ego is a hoot.
And she’s single. Just sayin’.
That is freakin’ awesome, and as soon as I get a chance I’ll be checking out Valerie’s page!
Thanks, Nicole. Hope you get a chuckle. Or two. I can’t responsible if you get three, though. Three is that limit where I become somehow negligible.
I appreciate you more and more with each post, Calahan.
Thanks, Stacie. It’s far better than hating me more with each post.
That’s great! Do you find any differences in Fanboys’ responses to you as a “woman”? I’m mining for sexist-pig evidence here, in case that wasn’t clear.
I used to have an alter-ego in college. Her name was Donna.
Here’s one response to illustrate the point:
“Hey rich blond. Guess what? Nobody is on here because they think your a talented writer. Their on here because you are so goddam stupid! Its like you were in a car accident and had your head chopped from your body and wrote a movie review. People are laughing at you idiot.
Do us all a favor and go marry some exec and stop writing reviews!”
Ouch.
Oh my god dude, I’m hysterical. I don’t know what’s better – the reviews or the comment threads! Brilliant idea. I can hear Valerie’s voice in my head as I’m reading, which makes it even more funny.
I keep picturing the Ermagerd girl, if that helps.
Thanks, Adam. Yeah, the comments are my favorite parts, but they don’t happen on all of the reviews. I’ve found occasional threads in forums where she’s being skewered, as well. Many of her readers are in on the joke, but the occasional fly in the web is the icing, for sure. It just amazes me that because she’s perceived as such an innocent that some people are just so cruel in their responses, believing she’s just “some girl” really brings out the misogynist in a lot of them. It’s interesting/disturbing/hilarious.
The best comment I read was something to the effect of, “Valerie, do us all a favor and put your head under a truck tire.”
That’s when I lost it.
I remember that one. Ha.
Dear Bloated Ladies Onor Guard (the “H” in honor isn’t just silent–it’s missing!),
Due to recent developments, I now understand why Valerie has rejected my many, many offers of marriage. I now see that it was done in an effort to protect what she believed were my delicate sensibilities.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t shocked to discover this further aspect of Valerie’s character, but in time I became intrigued. I am a man of my word, Valerie, and the offer(s) still stands. This is all so new to me, but I believe that love can conquer all.
Yours in bewildered affection,
Smaktakula
PS I’ve always thought “throw up in my own mouth” was a little trite, but “throw up in my pants” is nothing less than sublime genius.
PPS You did it to me again. “Django is the prequel to Lincoln? I didn’t know tha…oh, wait.”
Also, when did you get Freshly Pressed? Congrats! Was that recently or before I started reading?
Thanks, Smak. That happened back in October when my Indiana Jones titled piece got FP’d.
Keep pursuing her, Smak. Even if restraining orders are issued at some point, I believe that your love will prevail, that she will look past the cut off body parts you sent in the mail on Valentine’s Day and realize that here is a man whose love is pure, as pure as a big chunk of meth. She’ll come around, you Romeo you.
Hey mister!
http://wordsandotherthings.wordpress.com/2013/01/13/liebster-blog-award/
Whoa – how does your wife feel about Valerie?
It makes her confused as to her own sexuality.
HA! Nice.
Stop making me love you more… Valerie.
She is a heartbreaker.
Le Calahan,
The Freshly Pressed campaign has started. Let the games begin.
And now for a nap.
Le Clown
OMG I love you.