Style Tips For Men and Women

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“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”

“Leaving a little to the imagination is sexy”

These are just a few of the pieces of advice handed down from first-time life coaches and stale fortune cookies. These words of wisdom continue to be handed out like prostitution leaflets on a Vegas street because they are tried and true, for the ages, informative instructions that continue to inspire and reward.

As someone who has been certified in EUTS (Everything Under The Sun) from the Professional Institute of Placeimadeup, I feel compelled to bestow some of my (not yet) patented words of higher knowledge to my readers, especially the intellectually inferior among you (no Le Names, but you know who you are.)

Knowing how to carry oneself is important because it can mean the difference between getting the job or getting a friendly email that says ‘You were one of the worst applicants we’ve ever had. Ever’ but disguised in a thinly veiled ‘Did not meet the requirements’. I know what you meant, Janice Beekman of Mansonite Bros. Corp. LLC.

“…not qualified for the job, hmm? What do they mean by that ‘not qualified’? I bet they hated that I wore mens briefs as pants. That’s what it means, doesn’t it? What was I thinking?”

Dressing appropriately and stylishly can also mean the difference between a flirtatious look of interest from that attractive person across the room and that attractive group pointing at you and laughing from across the room.

To alleviate any gender confusion, I have separated the tips into two categories: Men and Women. For those of you who fit into neither or both categories, take away whatever resonates with you. Also, which bathroom do you use? I mean, like, in public. Whoa, whoa, I’m not judging! I’m just curious.

STYLE TIPS FOR WOMEN

1. If you wear a padded bra and the right guy comes along, the jig is up.
2. Your glasses probably don’t make you look as much like Tina Fey as you think they do.
3. You will reach an age when the schoolgirl-look receives less ‘Oooh’s and more ‘Ewww’s.
4. If you rely solely on your hipbones to keep your pants up, you are too skinny.
5. A pair of Converse will always look cute.
6. A short, denim skirt always has a trailer park connotation.
7. No one should admire your sideburns.
BONUS TIP: Your cat, Miss Mary J. Prancy Paws, should not have better clothes than you.

“Maybe it is a little demeaning, but I still rock this dress better than you, Susan. You know who agrees? Larry in apartment 4F. You can ask him when he comes over to pick me up, tonight.”

STYLE TIPS FOR MEN

1. The ‘Zack Galifianakis look’ is not a good look even on Zack Galifianakis.
2. Wearing sunglasses backwards on your head will always make you look like a dick, even if you aren’t.
3. Using tweezers to avoid a unibrow is not a slippery slope to becoming gay.
4. Just because white briefs are on sale 12 for $4, doesn’t mean you should buy them.
5. Aftershave is always appreciated, whether you’ve shaved or not.
6. Unless you are Jim Morrison, no leather pants. (HINT: You are not Jim Morrison)
7. Supercuts usually aren’t.
BONUS TIP: Dressing up should involve a tie, not your less-wrinkled pair of Dockers.

“Okay, ties. You don’t like me and I don’t like you, but we’re gonna have to work together if we’re ever gonna move out from under mother’s roof and away from those awful, awful rumors.”

If I’ve missed anything that you feel would be beneficial to the general population, please let me know. If it’s good advice, I will claim that I intended to use that in the next list and steal it from you. My lawyer will immediately dig up dirt from your past and you will be ruined, I repeat RUINED, if you contest.

Thanks!

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Categories: Lazy Lists | Tags: , , , , | 36 Comments

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36 thoughts on “Style Tips For Men and Women

  1. I beg to differ. My sideburns are the stuff dreams are made of.

  2. You are brilliant! I shall now print out the woman section and plaster it above my dresser. I greatly needed the help, thank you.

  3. Sideburns AND a short denim skirt AND I still have my original high school uniform. Great now I have to pretty much change everything ever.

  4. The Supercuts one is the most true. Also, I don’t really understand the caption for that first picture. What’s wrong with her chosen work wardrobe? Are you trying to tell me something?

  5. What are you doing telling men not to try the Zack Galifianakis look? I LOVE that look. That is the best look in the universe of looks. If all that rogaine would start working on my face, I’d wear that look too.

  6. I was just chatting to someone about a girl in my class at uni who has basically porkchop sideburns except they are curly like an orthodox Rabbi’s. HOW she avoids seeing them and not thinking ‘gee, I should really lazer that shit away’ I will never know.

  7. BONUS TIP: Dressing up should involve a tie, not your less-wrinkled pair of Dockers.

    This one speaks to me. Sadly.

    I am, after perhaps only salesman extraordinaire Herb Tarleck (who’s not even real!), the most fashion impaired human being on the planet. I would wear a red shirt and blue pants if my wife would let me (and honestly, that would be way cool, like a super-hero or something), so I tend to wear a lot of blacks and dark, dark blues.

    As someone who has been certified in EUTS (Everything Under The Sun) from the Professional Institute of Placeimadeup,

    I wanted to go there, but I just didn’t have the SAT scores for it. I ended up studying cosmetology at the local JC.

    • Herb Tarleck. Ha.
      To be honest, you can’t go wrong with blacks and blues. They’re surprisingly versatile colors.

      I still know (am) the board over at EUTS, so I can put a word in for you, if you’d like. You never know, maybe they’ll (me) accept you for a nominal (large) tuition.

  8. I was thinking, “Man, Calahan and I have a chance at happiness together” until I read #7. It’s probably best you stay with your wife.

  9. I think Zack Galifianakis is hot. So there.

  10. Tips For Men, #2…the last part of the sentence shouldn’t be there.
    Face it, at that point, you are.

  11. ok…how do i get a lil miss prancy paws? i must have one. my faves were, “the zach g look doesn’t look good on anyone even zach g” and “the sunglasses on back of head dick look.” laaaaawd, i loved it. ;) sm

  12. Girls #1: Wait, girls get naked with boys?! WHAT?!

  13. please do not do anything to discourage the schoolgirl look, not at any age. are we clear? thought so. now pull up those knee socks and get back to work.

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