Sex, Drugs and Disney Sequels

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Over the next five years, Walt Disney Studios will be squeezing blood from stones as they begin production on the one thing audiences love: sequels to beloved films.

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Colin Drabcock, Executive Franchise re-Imagineer, explained the new philosophy of the successful family studio, “People f**king love things that are familiar, s**t like that. They want to visit old friends, they want to look at old f**king pictures, they want to remember their motherf**king history. Do people want to go out and see a f**king movie because it has new characters? f**k no! They want to see movies that have the f**king characters they already f**king love. It’s like going back to the f**king innocence of your f**king childhood.”

After extensive studies of pie charts, internet SEO trends and online movie review sites, Disney media observers zeroed in on what modern audiences wanted.

“A successful f**king film,” says Drabcock, “has gotta have all the f**king stuff that reflects today’s audiences: sex, drugs and rock ‘n f**king roll. Woo! It’s gotta be fun, but also edgy and push the f**king boundaries a little. When people think Disney, they think of f**king bunny rabbits and songs written by a bunch of f**king gay dudes. Well, we’re here to change the f**k out of that, I promise. And that’s a promise you can take to the f**king bank.”

With its eyes on the horizon, Disney has begun production on several new projects that will revitalize both the studio and the financial viability of sequels. Provided for us is a  rundown of the story lines, separated into themes:

Action!

Crouching Tiger, Pete’s Dragon

Directed by visionary Ang Lee, Pete and Elliott are back in a sequel that Drabcock promises will have “…more kick-ass karate and less fruity singing.” Pete, now middle-aged and about to lose his lighthouse to crooked developers, enlists the help of his old friend Elliott, the magical dragon. Together, they race against the evil Dr. Terminus to find the location of a sunken ship full of riches in the form of Chinese opium.

Inspired by true events, this sequel brings all the grit of Scarface and the kung fu styling of Enter The Dragon to the quaint town of Passamaquoddy where a bowl of chowder may be your last meal.

Elliot disembowels an enemy without mercy

Dumbo: First Blood

Based on a spec script written by none other than Sylvester Stallone, this sequel to the 1941 classic shows what happens when bullying goes too far. Dumbo, now retired and living a solitary life, is heartbroken to learn of the murder of his old friend, Timothy Q. Mouse. Stomped to death by the jealous elephants of the circus, Timothy was a message to Dumbo that he would be next…

Audiences who’d once seen an elephant fly, will soon see an elephant fly off the handle and go on a blood-stained rage of revenge. This time, it will be personal.

Dumbo severs the brake lines of an enemy

Drugs!

Mary Poppin’ Pills

Picking up 40 years after the original, everyone’s favorite nanny, Mary Poppins, has taken a turn for the worst.  Unable to handle the nervous stress of nannying children that sing off-key, the psychic exhaustion that comes from constantly employing her special brand of black magic and having to listen to the annoying accent of Dick Van Dyke’s shiftless Bert, Mary seeks solace. But when a failed attempt to self-medicate with spoonfuls of sugar leads Mary’s waist to become anything but practically perfect, she quickly develops an addiction to Dr. Skinnychap’s Jolly Holiday Diet Pills. Mary’s downward spiral of pils and blackouts culminates in her becoming a person of interest to Scotland Yard in the deaths of several chimney sweeps.

Mary’s attempt to prove her innocence, clean up and go straight is one that will inspire all addicts to reform and those already clean to become addicts and clean up at a later date.

Mary’s friends surprise her with an intervention. “I don’t have a bloody drug problem! I can quit any bloody-well time I bloody-well feel like!”

Peter Panic Disorder

Years of a steady diet of psychotropic Nevershrooms and fairy dust have finally caught up with Peter Pan. He could be called a shadow of his former self… if his shadow had not committed suicide during a tragic delirium, that is. Paranoid, jittery and losing his grip on his own unreal reality, Peter Pan’s only hope is an old friend. Grown up and volunteering at a needle exchange clinic in South London, Wendy Darling returns to Neverland to care for the eternal youth by mopping up his cold sweats, wringing out his soiled tights and getting him sober, once and for all.

A Basketball Diaries for the entire family, Peter Panic Disorder is the sequel J.M. Barrie envisioned when he was delirious from malaria.

Peter parties with an underage girl at a drug-fueled Never-rave

Sex!

Finding Nemo in an Awkward Position

With a story ripped from today’s headlines, parents of transgendered children everywhere will be able to relate to this Finding Nemo sequel. Little Nemo is all grown up and acting out like a typical teenager. Or is he typical? The tranquility of the ocean takes a turn when Nemo’s dad finds him in a coral bed with a shellfish! Finding Nemo in an Awkward Position will take audiences through the fun and adventure of Nemo’s deprogramming from the right-wing media’s pro-gay agenda to the acceptance of his father’s traditional family values. Adults and children alike will cheer at the triumphant moment when Nemo suppresses his own happiness in order to satisfy his peers, then buries his resentment and self-loathing deep, deep down inside of himself.

Everyone will remember that ‘Nemo’ also spells ‘No Me’

Nemo tries his darnedest to suffocate his true self and become normal. BE NORMAL, DAMMIT!

Adult Toy Story

As Toy Story 3 taught us, everyone has to grow up and leave behind their childhood, so it stood to reason that audiences have also aged and have outgrown toy cowboys or spacemen. After being sold online, Woody and Buzz find themselves living as extras in Hollywood’s seedy underbelly of deviant moviemaking. Mystery and intrigue is soon the name of the game. Can the two friends get back home? Why do the other toys giggle when Woody introduces himself? Why is Buzz’s name written into every script? And most importantly, who is that pizza delivery guy and why does he never actually have any pizza?

With an intended straight to cable release, this sequel is expected to reach #1 at over 90% of illegal download sites. Taking bootleg views out of the equation, Disney predicts Adult Toy Story will be top with the one television market most often overlooked: late night scrambled viewings by 12-year old boys.

…as seen by a 12-year old at 3am with the volume turned all the way down

Music!

High School Musical (Is Canceled Due to Budget Cuts in the Drama Department Necessary to Purchase New Helmets for the Football Team)

In an effort to make the characters and premise more relatable for modern audiences struggling with a flailing economy and cutbacks in education, Zac Efron and everyone’s favorite group of singing teenagers will be dealt a heavy blow. When the school’s influential football coach requests new helmets for the varsity team, it is buh-bye to the music department, the drama department, the impromptu singing without microphones department and even the keeping your hair perfectly styled all day department. Can they cope with not being the center of attention? Can they raise enough money to save their program and become the center of attention once again?

Get ready to not sing and not dance as America finally learns that the arts are simply a waste of money!

Zac learns the danger of asking the football team if he and his friends can perform an inspired medley after each touchdown.

“These movies are gonna knock your f**king socks off,” says Drabcock. “No more f**king cutesy crap. From now on, Disney will be the f**king leader in bad-ass shootouts, cringeworthy dramas and edgy f**king realism. The shareholders can complain, but f**k ‘em. Walt Disney’s dead. What’s he gonna do, defrost his f**king head and eat my face off? Come on! It’s f**king business. Entertainment for the whole f**king family.”

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Categories: Fiction Fiasco | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

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8 thoughts on “Sex, Drugs and Disney Sequels

  1. And this isn’t on Cracked because…?

    Seriously, why don’t you have a national following yet?

    • calahan

      That’s a generous compliment, Paul. Thanks. To be fair, I recently had a visitor whose IP address was in Russia who found me by searching for the phrase ‘megan fox breast pic’. Not sure how he was directed to me, but that technically gave me an international audience.

  2. clownonfire

    I’m with Paul Clifton on this, even though he wears a cowboy hat.
    Le Clown

    • calahan

      Le Clown!

      The cowboy hat Paul wears is made from ivory and, yet, his teeth are made of felt and straw. So weird!

  3. Hilarious! These films MUST be made!

  4. I read somewhere that a sequel will earn about 80% of what the original did, whether the original was a piece of crap or a sterling masterpiece. The odds are so much better than taking a chance on something new. The Hollywood bean-counters love the sequel.

    • calahan

      I would watch a movie about counting beans, actually. Unless it was called “Five Beans” because, well, you already know how it ends.

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