Summertime Captions For Awful People

Today is the first day of Autumn.

This means it is time to say goodbye to Summer. It is time to realize that we can do better than Summer. For some of us, perhaps it’s time to pretend we never even met Summer. That’s right, Summer. We’ve moved on.

Need more proof, Summer? Look at my new relationship status on Facebook:

post share empty facebook status vector clipart icon ztuts

Now, some folks (mostly friends and co-workers of Summer’s) might say that I Continue reading

Categories: Smartass | Tags: , , , , | 48 Comments

Placeholder

Put away your black armbands, everyone. I am not dead. In fact, I have been relatively alive this entire time… just not online. As it turns out, real life has been/is far more interesting and fun than its virtual counterpart. That’s not to say that I have forsaken my online life, just that I have been busy with other things. It’s not personal, internet.*

That said, I fully intend to post with more regularity than Haley’s Comet sightings by a Yeti. That’s a promise!

See you soon.

cf4a8cb9a2fb7b57_landing

Her life devoid of any joy or human interaction, Helen settles in with a cup of coffee to wait until Mike’s next blog post. That extra flavor in her coffee, you ask? Oh, those are tears.

*For a few of you, it’s actually incredibly personal.

Categories: Shameless Plug | 18 Comments

Hip To Be … –.- ..- .- .-. .

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

Sometimes ironic, sometimes retro-chic, hipsters are the compass that points our culture toward cool.

The horn rimmed glasses and skinny jeans have almost become the uniform of the mainstream, wanna-be hipster. Anyone wearing these is usually a poseur to the Nth degree or a model in a J. Crew ad. To keep themselves one step ahead of what society holds in high regard, hipsters often look towards the past to determine what is ironically fashionable.

6a9b571207cf4b05_landing

This is how a hipster hitches a ride to Boston.

Today’s hipsters have traded in their iPods for old school cassette players. 52″ flat screen televisions are disdained in exchange for a 1972 Zenith Chromacolor. The Blu-Ray movies so sought after by others take a backseat to a thrift store-rescued VCR. The Wii? That’s been tossed aside for an Atari 2600. At a certain point, though, even these items become cool again to the mainstream. As a result, hipsters must find something else…

View original 576 more words

Categories: Uncategorized

New Post at Tipsy Lit

Ericka and the rest of the staff over at Tipsy Lit were kind enough to publish another piece of mine.

The great thing about posting on someone else’s blog is that the lawsuits regarding plagiarism (and, oh, there will be many) inevitably are brought against them. So, again, a BIG thanks to Tipsy Lit for that one.

 

CLICK HERE

 

Yet another Tipsy Lit author tricked into bathing with the help of booze.

Yet another Tipsy Lit author tricked into bathing with the help of booze.

Categories: Shameless Plug

Room For Four More

It was my parents’ 17th anniversary, a night for outward ‘I-love-you’s and inward ‘what-was-I-thinking’s. These anniversary dinners out as a family were standard: eat something expensive, maybe have dessert, then my parents might dance to prerecorded entertainment or a sullen piano player.

Little could any of us have known that, that night we would all be dancing…

Dancing, that is, with a partner named Death!

Mmwwahahaha!!!

5416f56bf54e65c9_landing

When he’s not terrorizing my family, Death enjoys choreographing routines for the local cheerleading squad. This might be the year they go to the tri-state finals!

Continue reading

Categories: Childhood = 100 Years Ago | Tags: , , , , | 52 Comments

Happy 100

Without my grandmother, I never would have learned common Italian phrases such as:

I love you, Grandma!!! *

 * exclamation marks inserted for both excitement and so that she can hear it.

IMG_0006.JPG

Here she is mocking the youth of Mickey Mouse.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , | 57 Comments

Actually, It’s Both… My Shoe Size and My IQ

freshly-pressed-logo

Generally, maturation is defined by a person’s reaching a physical and emotional “growing up”–the result of experiencing and benefitting from life’s innumerable lessons and, ultimately leading to each of us becoming the best us we can be.

As kids, we sponge-up as much information about life as we can because it is, from a basic primal instinct, required for all of us to survive. Such things as language, memory, why that thing is okay to touch, why that thing hurts, what that other thing even is exactly and why does eating it cause dizziness and an ability to hear colors. Without this necessary evolution of our individual selves, humans as a species would have long ago gone the way of the DoDo (not the bird, but the 1931 off-Broadway show about talking hair do’s that subsequently closed after only two weeks due to the smash success of the neighboring, less insistent musical, TryTry).

Doris Jenkins in her final performance as Hattie the Hairpin, one day before her suicide

Doris Jenkins in her final performance as Hattie the Hairpin, one day before her suicide

Growing up, I learned at a normal, healthy, socially acceptable Continue reading

Categories: Brain Go Ouch | Tags: , , | 155 Comments

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com. The Adventure Journal Theme.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,457 other followers