Hip To Be … –.- ..- .- .-. .

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

Sometimes ironic, sometimes retro-chic, hipsters are the compass that points our culture toward cool.

The horn rimmed glasses and skinny jeans have almost become the uniform of the mainstream, wanna-be hipster. Anyone wearing these is usually a poseur to the Nth degree or a model in a J. Crew ad. To keep themselves one step ahead of what society holds in high regard, hipsters often look towards the past to determine what is ironically fashionable.

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This is how a hipster hitches a ride to Boston.

Today’s hipsters have traded in their iPods for old school cassette players. 52″ flat screen televisions are disdained in exchange for a 1972 Zenith Chromacolor. The Blu-Ray movies so sought after by others take a backseat to a thrift store-rescued VCR. The Wii? That’s been tossed aside for an Atari 2600. At a certain point, though, even these items become cool again to the mainstream. As a result, hipsters must find something else…

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Categories: Uncategorized

New Post at Tipsy Lit

Ericka and the rest of the staff over at Tipsy Lit were kind enough to publish another piece of mine.

The great thing about posting on someone else’s blog is that the lawsuits regarding plagiarism (and, oh, there will be many) inevitably are brought against them. So, again, a BIG thanks to Tipsy Lit for that one.

 

CLICK HERE

 

Yet another Tipsy Lit author tricked into bathing with the help of booze.

Yet another Tipsy Lit author tricked into bathing with the help of booze.

Categories: Shameless Plug

Room For Four More

It was my parents’ 17th anniversary, a night for outward ‘I-love-you’s and inward ‘what-was-I-thinking’s. These anniversary dinners out as a family were standard: eat something expensive, maybe have dessert, then my parents might dance to prerecorded entertainment or a sullen piano player.

Little could any of us have known that, that night we would all be dancing…

Dancing, that is, with a partner named Death!

Mmwwahahaha!!!

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When he’s not terrorizing my family, Death enjoys choreographing routines for the local cheerleading squad. This might be the year they go to the tri-state finals!

Continue reading

Categories: Childhood = 100 Years Ago | Tags: , , , , | 52 Comments

Happy 100

Without my grandmother, I never would have learned common Italian phrases such as:

I love you, Grandma!!! *

 * exclamation marks inserted for both excitement and so that she can hear it.

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Here she is mocking the youth of Mickey Mouse.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , | 57 Comments

Actually, It’s Both… My Shoe Size and My IQ

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Generally, maturation is defined by a person’s reaching a physical and emotional “growing up”–the result of experiencing and benefitting from life’s innumerable lessons and, ultimately leading to each of us becoming the best us we can be.

As kids, we sponge-up as much information about life as we can because it is, from a basic primal instinct, required for all of us to survive. Such things as language, memory, why that thing is okay to touch, why that thing hurts, what that other thing even is exactly and why does eating it cause dizziness and an ability to hear colors. Without this necessary evolution of our individual selves, humans as a species would have long ago gone the way of the DoDo (not the bird, but the 1931 off-Broadway show about talking hair do’s that subsequently closed after only two weeks due to the smash success of the neighboring, less insistent musical, TryTry).

Doris Jenkins in her final performance as Hattie the Hairpin, one day before her suicide

Doris Jenkins in her final performance as Hattie the Hairpin, one day before her suicide

Growing up, I learned at a normal, healthy, socially acceptable Continue reading

Categories: Brain Go Ouch | Tags: , , | 155 Comments

Thoroughly Modern Messiah

Originally posted on Long Awkward Pause:

Step aside first century. The New Testament may soon be referred to as The Old New Testament. That’s because one the most widely distributed books in the world is finally getting a makeover.

For decades, religious leaders have watched the steady decline in church attendance, as well as fewer ticket sales to such fun stand-by’s as church bazaars, church picnics, and Tuesday night bingo. The church knows that in order to remain relevant, they mustn’t wait for new converts, they must, instead, reach out to hipper demographics, particularly young urbanites.

“Today’s youths,” says Arnold Peltierre, a spokesman at Kolchek and Moore, a PR firm representing the Vatican’s American media presence, “are busier than any other generation. They’re on their iPad computers, their cellular data phones, they attend concerts, they’re seeing 3D movies, they are just go go go. The more our technology progresses, however, we lose sight of what’s important…

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Categories: Shameless Plug

Holiday Captions For Awful People 2013

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As with last year, I have decided that the best way to celebrate the holidays is by putting together a sort of thank you to all my new readers,  including the following folks who are, like, completely not spambots and are instead, like, super legit readers:

      elitesecuritycameras (a really big supporter of mine for years)

      freepsychologyreading (get a few drinks in this guy and you will hear some amazing stories!)

      bookcheaphotelsonline (Kind, soft-spoken and knows all there is to know about cheap hotels, so hit him up)

      ใส้หมูสับนี่อยู่ข้างในนั้นเป็นการ (what can I say? I love you, squiggly! I don’t care who knows it)

So, for new readers and old ones alike, please feel free to download these images that I “borrowed” and share them in celebration of the true meaning of Christmas: Maxing Out Your Credit Cards! Continue reading

Categories: Smartass | Tags: , , , , , , , | 32 Comments

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